Letters to the Wan and only!
Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone...Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Dear John
Dearest Wan,
There i was, seated by the Thames, near the London Eye. I was memorising me lines:-
"Hey there. What are you doing, being awake at this time? Nvm. Won't ask too personal questions. *chuckles* Anyways... you were asking me how i can be sure? Well, i just wanna tell ya that i am sure. And this i promise u - i'll be back - just for you - after me studies, before the year ends. I'll look for ya and hopefully then, you'll see that i am real, that my feelings for you are real, and that i'll be able to convince you to give "us" a try. If i am indeed "awesome" as u say that i am, i hope you'd give me this chance to prove meself. That's all i ask. Just wait for a few more months and i'll come and see u. If then, you decide not to give us a chance, then fine. But decide only then.
Anyways, u r an Arsenal fan so it wont be so bad if u dun give us a chance! LOL!"
OK - it something to that effect la!
I never got the chance to talk to her. And the moment was lost.
I found subsequently that it was a good thing i din get that chance. not at this point of time. i wanted to do that partly cuz i was afraid that she'd commit herself to that dude guy, thinking i won't be back.
but i chatted wif her on msn yesterday. guess wat? she wrote a "dear john" letter to that rich dude!
but she was obviously still having much feelings for him - and filled wif regret.
u know how difficult it was to chat wif her - and having to hear her sing the praises of the dude guy, and talking about how wonderful he is? man, it really killed me! but me cool, of course! good thing no webcam - or else she'd see me dying here... but on msn, me like cucumber!
but at least now i know i din have a direct influence on her dear john letter. and i guess she wouldnt want to think about another guy at this moment.
i tried to stay as neutral and unbiased as possible.
so now how? even tho she alleges that they were not in a relationship, it is for all intents and purposes, a break-up of sorts. i've gotta cool it, too. dun wan to be seen to take advantage of the situation. and who knows, she could be on the rebound!
sigh... so complicated.
i guess this is all for the best. Time for everyone to cool it and take it slowly.
Take care. God bless.
There i was, seated by the Thames, near the London Eye. I was memorising me lines:-
"Hey there. What are you doing, being awake at this time? Nvm. Won't ask too personal questions. *chuckles* Anyways... you were asking me how i can be sure? Well, i just wanna tell ya that i am sure. And this i promise u - i'll be back - just for you - after me studies, before the year ends. I'll look for ya and hopefully then, you'll see that i am real, that my feelings for you are real, and that i'll be able to convince you to give "us" a try. If i am indeed "awesome" as u say that i am, i hope you'd give me this chance to prove meself. That's all i ask. Just wait for a few more months and i'll come and see u. If then, you decide not to give us a chance, then fine. But decide only then.
Anyways, u r an Arsenal fan so it wont be so bad if u dun give us a chance! LOL!"
OK - it something to that effect la!
I never got the chance to talk to her. And the moment was lost.
I found subsequently that it was a good thing i din get that chance. not at this point of time. i wanted to do that partly cuz i was afraid that she'd commit herself to that dude guy, thinking i won't be back.
but i chatted wif her on msn yesterday. guess wat? she wrote a "dear john" letter to that rich dude!
but she was obviously still having much feelings for him - and filled wif regret.
u know how difficult it was to chat wif her - and having to hear her sing the praises of the dude guy, and talking about how wonderful he is? man, it really killed me! but me cool, of course! good thing no webcam - or else she'd see me dying here... but on msn, me like cucumber!
but at least now i know i din have a direct influence on her dear john letter. and i guess she wouldnt want to think about another guy at this moment.
i tried to stay as neutral and unbiased as possible.
so now how? even tho she alleges that they were not in a relationship, it is for all intents and purposes, a break-up of sorts. i've gotta cool it, too. dun wan to be seen to take advantage of the situation. and who knows, she could be on the rebound!
sigh... so complicated.
i guess this is all for the best. Time for everyone to cool it and take it slowly.
Take care. God bless.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Can't eat
Dearest Wan,
I've never expereinced it before. Not as far as i can remember. I jus lost me appetite jus like that!!!!
I came from service this morning in pretty high spirits. The worship was good, the speaker was challenging (former missionary to India), God's message was powerful. On top of all that, it was the first time in so long that i attended the morning service. The weather this morn was beautiful - not too hot. We stayed on a while chatting away. OK. It was footie. Only footie. But it felt so like back home - after the service, the guys would sit around together and talk. I made some new frens too - this guy from Holland, and another guy from Nigeria.
By the time i got back, i was feeling pretty hungry - woke up late so skipped breakfast (was early for the service, tho!). For the first time too, i decided to have rice for lunch! Yup, i was pretty famished.
Got the it all ready and took it into me room to eat. Had a few spoonfuls until i came across her letter! Nice! :-)
Then it happened. I jus lost all appetite. Sigh...
She talked a lot about him. Nah, it wasn't jealousy. It was just the further confirmation (as if i needed more) of where i stand - and where he stands in her life. She not only came back early to surprise him, she cooked dinner for him. All his fav stuffs, too! :-) (That is supposed to be an ironic smile!).
Oh well...
i really shudden feel this way - but i can't help it. The other day, i thought i was the one that she would choose. Now, it seems further and further away from reality.
I guess deep down inside, she is still hoping that he will change - and be who she wants him to be.
Yes, as i told u before, the worst thing is that i fully emphatise wif wat she is going thru. Been there, done that.
You know wat? I'm scared. I really am. it's wrong, i know. But i cant help it. I know how it feels to see someone whom i love love someone else. I dun wanna go thru that again.
But i feel bad if he has to go thru that too - altho looking at how things stand, it's prolly me who will have to be the one.
Sometimes, i wonder why she posted that post up - when she was going out wif someone.
But then, how can i blame her? She wasn't asking for offers! She was just being honest and letting out her frustration. There's nothing wrong wif that. How would she know that some crazy dude 10 thousand kms away would read it and fall in love wif her? Who would have guessed???? Even movies wif storylines like that would prolly be thrown out - no one would believe it.
You know wat? I'm feeling hungry again... ;-P
Later!
Take care. God bless.
I've never expereinced it before. Not as far as i can remember. I jus lost me appetite jus like that!!!!
I came from service this morning in pretty high spirits. The worship was good, the speaker was challenging (former missionary to India), God's message was powerful. On top of all that, it was the first time in so long that i attended the morning service. The weather this morn was beautiful - not too hot. We stayed on a while chatting away. OK. It was footie. Only footie. But it felt so like back home - after the service, the guys would sit around together and talk. I made some new frens too - this guy from Holland, and another guy from Nigeria.
By the time i got back, i was feeling pretty hungry - woke up late so skipped breakfast (was early for the service, tho!). For the first time too, i decided to have rice for lunch! Yup, i was pretty famished.
Got the it all ready and took it into me room to eat. Had a few spoonfuls until i came across her letter! Nice! :-)
Then it happened. I jus lost all appetite. Sigh...
She talked a lot about him. Nah, it wasn't jealousy. It was just the further confirmation (as if i needed more) of where i stand - and where he stands in her life. She not only came back early to surprise him, she cooked dinner for him. All his fav stuffs, too! :-) (That is supposed to be an ironic smile!).
Oh well...
i really shudden feel this way - but i can't help it. The other day, i thought i was the one that she would choose. Now, it seems further and further away from reality.
I guess deep down inside, she is still hoping that he will change - and be who she wants him to be.
Yes, as i told u before, the worst thing is that i fully emphatise wif wat she is going thru. Been there, done that.
You know wat? I'm scared. I really am. it's wrong, i know. But i cant help it. I know how it feels to see someone whom i love love someone else. I dun wanna go thru that again.
But i feel bad if he has to go thru that too - altho looking at how things stand, it's prolly me who will have to be the one.
Sometimes, i wonder why she posted that post up - when she was going out wif someone.
But then, how can i blame her? She wasn't asking for offers! She was just being honest and letting out her frustration. There's nothing wrong wif that. How would she know that some crazy dude 10 thousand kms away would read it and fall in love wif her? Who would have guessed???? Even movies wif storylines like that would prolly be thrown out - no one would believe it.
You know wat? I'm feeling hungry again... ;-P
Later!
Take care. God bless.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Our song
Dearest Wan,
Was trying to test if i could cut and paste a YouTube clip or not. I can!
But i decided to keep the clip here.
Yeah, another song which reminds me of her. It used to remind me of you! It's realy weird cuz most of the songs that used to remind me of you now reminds me of her!
But anyways, i finally found a wonderful song which reminds me of her, only - and no one else. I'll be putting that song on our blog.
But for now, enjoy this wonderful song!
Was trying to test if i could cut and paste a YouTube clip or not. I can!
But i decided to keep the clip here.
Yeah, another song which reminds me of her. It used to remind me of you! It's realy weird cuz most of the songs that used to remind me of you now reminds me of her!
But anyways, i finally found a wonderful song which reminds me of her, only - and no one else. I'll be putting that song on our blog.
But for now, enjoy this wonderful song!
Pessimist
Dearest Wan,
I'm such a pessimist. Maybe it has to do wif me training? Analyse a situation/piece of work and think how it can be attacked - look at its weaknesses.
But then, i've been like this for so long! It's prolly just a form of self-preservation - always prepare meself for the worse so that if it does happen, at least i've been expecting it!!!
She on the other hand is such an optimist! Here's an example - i told her bout Fred, and how he has a girlfren now! At 83 years old! To me, i couldn't help but think of wat a waste they din meet earlier! They could have - after all, they were cousins and they lived not too far from each other. To her, she said that they have each other now - and that's wat matters.
Which is true.
Still, i can't help but think so much of why i couldn't have met her earlier! The more i get to know her, the more i know we would have had such a blast together! In her latest post on her blog when she recounted her recent experiences in missions, i couldn't help but think of how much joy it would have been to be wif her - to be in the rain, to reach out to the children - and be touched by them, to jus have a good time spontaneously!
Today... well, actually yesterday, i spontaneuosly broke out into song in the kitchen. Only Michael joined me in a crazy dance... which fizzled out due to lack of participation from the others!!!!
But i digress - we (she and me) have so much in common and enjoy so many similar things!!!! We would have had such great times, crazy moments, fun occasions together. We would have had wonderful experiences serving God together.
But we din. We never met.
And now, we still can't see each other. And the future... well, it looks so uncertain.
But i shud be thankful of the little that we have shared together in these 4 weeks. A lot of people will never experience the connection we shared, the thrill of getting to know each other, the chemistry, the openness.
I have been so enriched since i got to know her. And i've been drawn so much closer to God too! She is indeed most wonderful!
Is it any wonder i'm crazy about her?
Take care. God bless.
I'm such a pessimist. Maybe it has to do wif me training? Analyse a situation/piece of work and think how it can be attacked - look at its weaknesses.
But then, i've been like this for so long! It's prolly just a form of self-preservation - always prepare meself for the worse so that if it does happen, at least i've been expecting it!!!
She on the other hand is such an optimist! Here's an example - i told her bout Fred, and how he has a girlfren now! At 83 years old! To me, i couldn't help but think of wat a waste they din meet earlier! They could have - after all, they were cousins and they lived not too far from each other. To her, she said that they have each other now - and that's wat matters.
Which is true.
Still, i can't help but think so much of why i couldn't have met her earlier! The more i get to know her, the more i know we would have had such a blast together! In her latest post on her blog when she recounted her recent experiences in missions, i couldn't help but think of how much joy it would have been to be wif her - to be in the rain, to reach out to the children - and be touched by them, to jus have a good time spontaneously!
Today... well, actually yesterday, i spontaneuosly broke out into song in the kitchen. Only Michael joined me in a crazy dance... which fizzled out due to lack of participation from the others!!!!
But i digress - we (she and me) have so much in common and enjoy so many similar things!!!! We would have had such great times, crazy moments, fun occasions together. We would have had wonderful experiences serving God together.
But we din. We never met.
And now, we still can't see each other. And the future... well, it looks so uncertain.
But i shud be thankful of the little that we have shared together in these 4 weeks. A lot of people will never experience the connection we shared, the thrill of getting to know each other, the chemistry, the openness.
I have been so enriched since i got to know her. And i've been drawn so much closer to God too! She is indeed most wonderful!
Is it any wonder i'm crazy about her?
Take care. God bless.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Looks familiar...
Dearest Wan,
Yeah, u're gonna find a sudden increase of letters. I mean, for obvious reasons, i cant bog about the things i tell you here - not in me main blog, anyways. And everything i wanna blog about these days is about her! No surprises there.
Japan lost. 4-1. It's over for them. But it was nice while it lasted. I have to say that i thoroughly enjoyed all of their games - altho it caused some deep heart-ache at times.
What was scary was how the game reflected the situation i'm in now!!!!! Now, i'm really creative! ;-P
Look at it this way:-
1. Japan never had a chance from the start against Brazil - but it was nice to dream of the possibility, the what-ifs and why-nots. This is wat dreams are all about!
2. For a moment, it appeared that the dream may come true after all! they scored against the mighty Brazil. They took the lead! The impossible may be possible!!!!
3. But just like the last time when that happened (when japan took the lead), they lost it again. Hopes which were at one point non-existent, then very real, finally were dashed to pieces.
4. Still, it was entertaining. It was fun. Most of us din let it get to us - we continued to cheer and enjoy ourselves. It's over but who says we still can't have a good time?
5. And then, there's still the next World Cup. 4 years - but i've waited all my life, so wat is another 4 years?
See the similiarities? ;-P
I guess i can choose to be down and mope about it, feel sori for meself. Or i could smile and recall the wonderful moments - and look forward to the possibility of more in the future. One can never know.
Unless of course i get an invitation to her wedding next month...
Take care. I'll be back for more soon! :-)
God bless.
Yeah, u're gonna find a sudden increase of letters. I mean, for obvious reasons, i cant bog about the things i tell you here - not in me main blog, anyways. And everything i wanna blog about these days is about her! No surprises there.
Japan lost. 4-1. It's over for them. But it was nice while it lasted. I have to say that i thoroughly enjoyed all of their games - altho it caused some deep heart-ache at times.
What was scary was how the game reflected the situation i'm in now!!!!! Now, i'm really creative! ;-P
Look at it this way:-
1. Japan never had a chance from the start against Brazil - but it was nice to dream of the possibility, the what-ifs and why-nots. This is wat dreams are all about!
2. For a moment, it appeared that the dream may come true after all! they scored against the mighty Brazil. They took the lead! The impossible may be possible!!!!
3. But just like the last time when that happened (when japan took the lead), they lost it again. Hopes which were at one point non-existent, then very real, finally were dashed to pieces.
4. Still, it was entertaining. It was fun. Most of us din let it get to us - we continued to cheer and enjoy ourselves. It's over but who says we still can't have a good time?
5. And then, there's still the next World Cup. 4 years - but i've waited all my life, so wat is another 4 years?
See the similiarities? ;-P
I guess i can choose to be down and mope about it, feel sori for meself. Or i could smile and recall the wonderful moments - and look forward to the possibility of more in the future. One can never know.
Unless of course i get an invitation to her wedding next month...
Take care. I'll be back for more soon! :-)
God bless.
Up again
Dearest Wan,
The roller-coaster ride continues!
I just got me results for International Criminal Law ("ICL"). I was preparing meself for the worst - and was praying for at least a pass. I was thinking that in light of wat has happened yesterday, save for a fail, nothing would get me down any further. Even a fail would pale in comparison wif wat i went thru last nite!!!!
Some background on the ICL exam - there were 4 questions to choose from. Geof, our lecturer warned us about one question. he said that it was unintentional but after the exam was approved and prepared, he re-read the question and realised that it was very dangerous - an oversight would cause the whole answer to collapse. As he always say "Don't go near there!!!!"
Of course, he did say that it would be an opportunity for us to prove our excellence!
The problem was that i forgot which question it was!!!!!!! It was either 3 or 4. And we had to choose to do either 3 or 4!
I decided to forget about his warning and just do whichever question i was comfy wif. I chose 4 - it appeared to be less complicated as it dealt mainly wif one topic while Q3 had elements from many different topics in it.
Yeah, you shud guess it by now - the question that geof warned us about was Q4!!!! i found that out too late.
I found it really tough. It looked easy cuz the question was short, compared to the long narrative for Q3. But tt's the problem - short questions does not give adequate info.
But it was too late to start doing the other one.
Me coursemates were afraid for me when i told them i did Q4!!!!!
Obviously, u shud also be able to guess by now that i did pretty well for it. I GOT A DISTINCTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)
PRAISE GOD!
I did manage to prove my quality! ;-)
Oh, i spent so much time on Q4 that me other question (Q1) was neglected. Still, not too bad - a B minus. Geof is pretty generous when it comes to marks. He commented that for Q1, there was a "wholly inadequate depth of analysis". i spent too much time on Q4 and used up too much words - the total for both essays could not amount to more than 6k words. More than half was used on Q4.
So overall, a B plus for ICL.
But an A for Q4!!!!! so happy! So so happy!
I would be telling her about it - in fact, i thought of her again, first.
But somehow, ... i dun know. I guess it's hard for me to share me joy wif someone whose heart is wif someone else?
But why am i telling you, then??????
i needed to tell someone! :-)
Take care. God bless.
The roller-coaster ride continues!
I just got me results for International Criminal Law ("ICL"). I was preparing meself for the worst - and was praying for at least a pass. I was thinking that in light of wat has happened yesterday, save for a fail, nothing would get me down any further. Even a fail would pale in comparison wif wat i went thru last nite!!!!
Some background on the ICL exam - there were 4 questions to choose from. Geof, our lecturer warned us about one question. he said that it was unintentional but after the exam was approved and prepared, he re-read the question and realised that it was very dangerous - an oversight would cause the whole answer to collapse. As he always say "Don't go near there!!!!"
Of course, he did say that it would be an opportunity for us to prove our excellence!
The problem was that i forgot which question it was!!!!!!! It was either 3 or 4. And we had to choose to do either 3 or 4!
I decided to forget about his warning and just do whichever question i was comfy wif. I chose 4 - it appeared to be less complicated as it dealt mainly wif one topic while Q3 had elements from many different topics in it.
Yeah, you shud guess it by now - the question that geof warned us about was Q4!!!! i found that out too late.
I found it really tough. It looked easy cuz the question was short, compared to the long narrative for Q3. But tt's the problem - short questions does not give adequate info.
But it was too late to start doing the other one.
Me coursemates were afraid for me when i told them i did Q4!!!!!
Obviously, u shud also be able to guess by now that i did pretty well for it. I GOT A DISTINCTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)
PRAISE GOD!
I did manage to prove my quality! ;-)
Oh, i spent so much time on Q4 that me other question (Q1) was neglected. Still, not too bad - a B minus. Geof is pretty generous when it comes to marks. He commented that for Q1, there was a "wholly inadequate depth of analysis". i spent too much time on Q4 and used up too much words - the total for both essays could not amount to more than 6k words. More than half was used on Q4.
So overall, a B plus for ICL.
But an A for Q4!!!!! so happy! So so happy!
I would be telling her about it - in fact, i thought of her again, first.
But somehow, ... i dun know. I guess it's hard for me to share me joy wif someone whose heart is wif someone else?
But why am i telling you, then??????
i needed to tell someone! :-)
Take care. God bless.
The aftermath
Dearest Wan,
Me feeling better now. Amazing how a good cry and 10 hours of sleep can help so much.
I was actually smiling again this morning - but that was more cuz i met Chiaki at the kitchen! :-) Sigh... if only she's a Christian... and she speaks better English...!!!! :-P
I guess i managed to put things into perspective. i had no doubt i would. i jus needed to let it out a little.
it's so much easier to write now - not so emotional.
2 nites ago, i was literally dancing on the streets. Last nite, i walked slowly in the dark, enjoying the wind, tears in me eyes. All in the span of less than 24 hours.
It's ironic - but tt's the story of me life. if wat happened 2 nites ago din happen, i'd be so fine. After all, this was wat i had expected all along. It's so unrealistic to expect anything more. I wouldn't have been joyous but i wouldn't be crying alone in the dark last nite.
But she had to say it! i mean, how could i interpret it any other way? She said "I need you in the same geographical area before i can give us a try. And i will. If you are around."
There is no other way to understand that, can there? She will give "us" a try if i am around.
So wat happened? Well, that changed to something like "You come back first and then we'll see".
???
That is so different. So so so so so so different.
And i finally understand his position. She said in no uncertain terms that she's going out wif him. She said that she's returning on Friday - no doubt to surprise him for his birthday. And... this is hard - it was like a knife thru me heart (drama queen me!) but she did confessed that she missed him a lot.
I could have died at that point of time. Wished the ground would open and swallow me up - except that i'll just end up on the 10th floor, instead of the 11th...
Her conclusion of the matter was clear to me - she wants status quo. She will not stop seeing him.
And all this after i told her that i was willing to come back. Yes, just for her! I was willing to give up my dreams. I was willing to forgo my chance to see the world. Just to be wif her!
And she says that she still wants status quo - with him, too.
She says she finds it hard to say things that he won't like. I dun know wat to make of that. On the one hand, it shows how much she cares for him, doesn't it?
And the worst thing about it? i cant bring meself to hate her! i can't get angry wif her.we're so alike that i actually understand wat she is going thru. I understand wat he means to her. yes, in spite of things she says like unable to share spiritual stuffs, can't talk about things etc. I've been thru it before. I know how it is to be unequally yoked - but yet to still care for that person. To still love that person.
That's wat love is, isn't it? It doesn't depend on things in common, or how open we can be to each other. It's a decision and a commitment.
At this point of time, her decision is obvious.
I expected it all along! Really! But wat she said 2 nites ago actually raised me hopes. It made me believe that i was wrong - that she was willing to give me a chance. I was willing to give up almost everything i have - but now i find that she can't seem to do the same.
Why did she say she was willing to give me a chance? Why???
That's love, isn't it? One moment it can make you feel like you are walking on air. The next, you are lower than pond scum.
The highest point of me life - for as long as i can remember - was met wif the lowest point of me life. All within 24 hours.
I was telling her how much i missd her - and she told me how much she missed him.
I tried so hard but as i walked back from church last nite, i couldn't get that out of me mind. I kept on hearing her voice telling me she missed him.
I really wanted to give it all up. Enough!
I went thru this wif you. I cant believe i'm going thru it again. The same!!!!!! how can this possible???
Some people spend a lifetime looking for love - true, real love. but they never find it. i found it - once wif you - and miraculously, against all odds, thoroughly unexpectedly, i found it again! In her.
Lighning does strike at the same place twice!
And it looks like i'm gonna lose her too...
...not that i had her in the first place. Altho it felt like i did 2 nites ago.
Losing you was the darkest point of me life. I can't believe i have to go thru that again - not when i thought i had finally found someone whom i could love as easily as i loved you. Whom loving seems so right and so real. I had given up hope of ever finding someone like that - now that i have found someone even better than that, i had her - and lost her within the span of 24 hours...
So how?
Well, at least all this confirmed one thing. One thing that i needed to be sure - Wan, I love her. I really do. No matter wat she does, i still love her. Maybe its cuz i know her so well and i understand wat she is doing. Maybe cuz loving her is so easy. I'm not gonna let go. I will wait. if it takes years until she is ready, then i guess i shud be ready to do that. If she wants to go on going out wif him, i'll live wif that.
I just hope and pray that one day she'll be able and ready to love me in the same way.
Anyways - the practical person speaks now - it is for the best. It was too fast. She's right that we shud now just work on being frens. I have my responsibility here and over my money. All impulsive notions and foolish dreams of spending a fortune to go back - even at the price of me dissertation - is at least now shelved.
She after needs time to see where God wants her.
For now, i have to do me dissertation. And then look for opportunity to work here. I'll be here.
She'll be there. She'll celebrate his brithday wif him. He'll celebrate her birthday wif her - while i burn the midnite oil finishing me dissertation.
That's cool.
I love her, Wan. I just wish i could tell her that. But the dreamer in me just refuses to do that over the phone, or thru an e-mail or any other methods. I must be there, and look into her eyes. Until then, we'll just see, lah.
So what happens now? Don't ask anymore.
Thanks for listening.
Take care. God bless.
Me feeling better now. Amazing how a good cry and 10 hours of sleep can help so much.
I was actually smiling again this morning - but that was more cuz i met Chiaki at the kitchen! :-) Sigh... if only she's a Christian... and she speaks better English...!!!! :-P
I guess i managed to put things into perspective. i had no doubt i would. i jus needed to let it out a little.
it's so much easier to write now - not so emotional.
2 nites ago, i was literally dancing on the streets. Last nite, i walked slowly in the dark, enjoying the wind, tears in me eyes. All in the span of less than 24 hours.
It's ironic - but tt's the story of me life. if wat happened 2 nites ago din happen, i'd be so fine. After all, this was wat i had expected all along. It's so unrealistic to expect anything more. I wouldn't have been joyous but i wouldn't be crying alone in the dark last nite.
But she had to say it! i mean, how could i interpret it any other way? She said "I need you in the same geographical area before i can give us a try. And i will. If you are around."
There is no other way to understand that, can there? She will give "us" a try if i am around.
So wat happened? Well, that changed to something like "You come back first and then we'll see".
???
That is so different. So so so so so so different.
And i finally understand his position. She said in no uncertain terms that she's going out wif him. She said that she's returning on Friday - no doubt to surprise him for his birthday. And... this is hard - it was like a knife thru me heart (drama queen me!) but she did confessed that she missed him a lot.
I could have died at that point of time. Wished the ground would open and swallow me up - except that i'll just end up on the 10th floor, instead of the 11th...
Her conclusion of the matter was clear to me - she wants status quo. She will not stop seeing him.
And all this after i told her that i was willing to come back. Yes, just for her! I was willing to give up my dreams. I was willing to forgo my chance to see the world. Just to be wif her!
And she says that she still wants status quo - with him, too.
She says she finds it hard to say things that he won't like. I dun know wat to make of that. On the one hand, it shows how much she cares for him, doesn't it?
And the worst thing about it? i cant bring meself to hate her! i can't get angry wif her.we're so alike that i actually understand wat she is going thru. I understand wat he means to her. yes, in spite of things she says like unable to share spiritual stuffs, can't talk about things etc. I've been thru it before. I know how it is to be unequally yoked - but yet to still care for that person. To still love that person.
That's wat love is, isn't it? It doesn't depend on things in common, or how open we can be to each other. It's a decision and a commitment.
At this point of time, her decision is obvious.
I expected it all along! Really! But wat she said 2 nites ago actually raised me hopes. It made me believe that i was wrong - that she was willing to give me a chance. I was willing to give up almost everything i have - but now i find that she can't seem to do the same.
Why did she say she was willing to give me a chance? Why???
That's love, isn't it? One moment it can make you feel like you are walking on air. The next, you are lower than pond scum.
The highest point of me life - for as long as i can remember - was met wif the lowest point of me life. All within 24 hours.
I was telling her how much i missd her - and she told me how much she missed him.
I tried so hard but as i walked back from church last nite, i couldn't get that out of me mind. I kept on hearing her voice telling me she missed him.
I really wanted to give it all up. Enough!
I went thru this wif you. I cant believe i'm going thru it again. The same!!!!!! how can this possible???
Some people spend a lifetime looking for love - true, real love. but they never find it. i found it - once wif you - and miraculously, against all odds, thoroughly unexpectedly, i found it again! In her.
Lighning does strike at the same place twice!
And it looks like i'm gonna lose her too...
...not that i had her in the first place. Altho it felt like i did 2 nites ago.
Losing you was the darkest point of me life. I can't believe i have to go thru that again - not when i thought i had finally found someone whom i could love as easily as i loved you. Whom loving seems so right and so real. I had given up hope of ever finding someone like that - now that i have found someone even better than that, i had her - and lost her within the span of 24 hours...
So how?
Well, at least all this confirmed one thing. One thing that i needed to be sure - Wan, I love her. I really do. No matter wat she does, i still love her. Maybe its cuz i know her so well and i understand wat she is doing. Maybe cuz loving her is so easy. I'm not gonna let go. I will wait. if it takes years until she is ready, then i guess i shud be ready to do that. If she wants to go on going out wif him, i'll live wif that.
I just hope and pray that one day she'll be able and ready to love me in the same way.
Anyways - the practical person speaks now - it is for the best. It was too fast. She's right that we shud now just work on being frens. I have my responsibility here and over my money. All impulsive notions and foolish dreams of spending a fortune to go back - even at the price of me dissertation - is at least now shelved.
She after needs time to see where God wants her.
For now, i have to do me dissertation. And then look for opportunity to work here. I'll be here.
She'll be there. She'll celebrate his brithday wif him. He'll celebrate her birthday wif her - while i burn the midnite oil finishing me dissertation.
That's cool.
I love her, Wan. I just wish i could tell her that. But the dreamer in me just refuses to do that over the phone, or thru an e-mail or any other methods. I must be there, and look into her eyes. Until then, we'll just see, lah.
So what happens now? Don't ask anymore.
Thanks for listening.
Take care. God bless.
Sad
Dearest Wan,
You can't tell but i've been like sitting here for so long, not knowing how to start - or where to start from.
Can i just sit wif you and cry?
Just for a short while...
You can't tell but i've been like sitting here for so long, not knowing how to start - or where to start from.
Can i just sit wif you and cry?
Just for a short while...
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Happy
Hey,
She's back. And... well, she said that she's willing to give "us" a try! :-)
It was funny cuz i din expct to hear from her again today. I was having a massive migraine while waiting in queue at Loon Foong Supermarket in Chinatown. I was late for me meeting up wif Fred.
Then i got her text message!
It really took very long for it to sink in! As i walked home from the train station early this morning (the train was delayed and i finally reached Wivenhoe at bout 1:20 am), i was wondering why i din have any "feeling". Wasn't this wat i had wanted all along?
Well, i realised that i was still in the state of shock. I totally din expect it - on the contrary, i was expecting the opposite.
As i walked home on the dark, windy, lonely street, it all began to sink in. You should have seen me! :-) I was like skipping, pirouetting (did i spell that correctly?), jumping, and praising God!
She wants to give "us" a try!!!! :-)
I started singing as i skipped along on the middle of the road!
Oh, another thing hit me as i appraoched me halls - you see, i knew that these 10 days or so is the "make it or break it" for "us". I decided to go for it - and for the pass few days, i had been pouring me heart out to her on paper. I wrote a really long letter to her - so that she'd read it when she gets back home. And i figured that after reading it, it would make her decided - to give us a chance or to run the h*** away from this crazy guy!
The funny thing is that before she read the letter, she had oredi decided!!!! I was almost like "Wait - not so fast! Read me letter first!!!!!"
At least this way, i know it not by my efforts.
The story of me life - i can try and try wif me own efforts and fail. And then God drops it onto me lap!
I did ask meself one last time - am i sure this is wat i want?
The answer is yes. I was certain. Even more certain than i was wif u.
And sure, there are a lot of things to work out - it's not gonna be easy. But u know me - easy can be boring! ;-P
The important thing is that we both are willing to give it a try - and i'm sure if we continue to look to God for guidance and help, we can and will glorify him thru our relationship.
I'm so happy, Wan.
Take care. God bless.
p/s - now it would be really ironic if she goes back, read me letter and then changes her mind...
She's back. And... well, she said that she's willing to give "us" a try! :-)
It was funny cuz i din expct to hear from her again today. I was having a massive migraine while waiting in queue at Loon Foong Supermarket in Chinatown. I was late for me meeting up wif Fred.
Then i got her text message!
It really took very long for it to sink in! As i walked home from the train station early this morning (the train was delayed and i finally reached Wivenhoe at bout 1:20 am), i was wondering why i din have any "feeling". Wasn't this wat i had wanted all along?
Well, i realised that i was still in the state of shock. I totally din expect it - on the contrary, i was expecting the opposite.
As i walked home on the dark, windy, lonely street, it all began to sink in. You should have seen me! :-) I was like skipping, pirouetting (did i spell that correctly?), jumping, and praising God!
She wants to give "us" a try!!!! :-)
I started singing as i skipped along on the middle of the road!
Oh, another thing hit me as i appraoched me halls - you see, i knew that these 10 days or so is the "make it or break it" for "us". I decided to go for it - and for the pass few days, i had been pouring me heart out to her on paper. I wrote a really long letter to her - so that she'd read it when she gets back home. And i figured that after reading it, it would make her decided - to give us a chance or to run the h*** away from this crazy guy!
The funny thing is that before she read the letter, she had oredi decided!!!! I was almost like "Wait - not so fast! Read me letter first!!!!!"
At least this way, i know it not by my efforts.
The story of me life - i can try and try wif me own efforts and fail. And then God drops it onto me lap!
I did ask meself one last time - am i sure this is wat i want?
The answer is yes. I was certain. Even more certain than i was wif u.
And sure, there are a lot of things to work out - it's not gonna be easy. But u know me - easy can be boring! ;-P
The important thing is that we both are willing to give it a try - and i'm sure if we continue to look to God for guidance and help, we can and will glorify him thru our relationship.
I'm so happy, Wan.
Take care. God bless.
p/s - now it would be really ironic if she goes back, read me letter and then changes her mind...
Monday, June 19, 2006
Love
Dearest Wan,
Hey, another one of those quiz thingys:-
For real! Me din cheat!!!! :-)
Now if i could only love her like that. Do u think i can? I think i can. I would really want to.
By God's grace...
Only problem now is whether she wants me to love her that way or not!!!!
oh well...
Take care. God bless.
Hey, another one of those quiz thingys:-
| Your Love Style is Agape |
 You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love. |
For real! Me din cheat!!!! :-)
Now if i could only love her like that. Do u think i can? I think i can. I would really want to.
By God's grace...
Only problem now is whether she wants me to love her that way or not!!!!
oh well...
Take care. God bless.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Falling...
Dearest Wan,
Online quiz time again!!!!! :-)
Wow, so so true, isn't it, Wan?
Except for the very first one - this time round, i seem to have fallen so fast... and yes, how hard have i fallen!!!!
Take care!
Online quiz time again!!!!! :-)
| How You Are In Love |
 You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. You tend to give more than take in relationships. You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard. |
Wow, so so true, isn't it, Wan?
Except for the very first one - this time round, i seem to have fallen so fast... and yes, how hard have i fallen!!!!
Take care!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Green
Dearest Wan,
Quite a numbr of letters lately-eh? Well, you know the reason! I just cant seem to stop thinking and talking bout her!!!
The other day, she asked if i was the jealous type. I had to tell her i was - based on the evidence of the last few relationships i have had. It would affect me a lot to know if those girls were spending time wif other men, or even enjoying themselves wif wif other guys. I hated the feeling.
But you were different, Wan. It has to be due to our "history"? But i was never affected - and it really, really surprised me. Remember when you were going out wif V - as in go out wif him for a dinner? We both knew how u used to have a crush on him. I remembered you telling me about it and me saying that it's alrite.
I was truly surprised at how alrite it was!
I told her bout it - she said its prolly cuz i trusted you. I guess. After all, it was me that u'd turn to at that time. It was me whom you'd spend so much time wif. It was me whom you called and talked all nite long.
Perhaps it was due to over-confidence? I had "lost" you so many times but each time, you'd be back - it was like.... a boomerang? You'd come back to me! :-)
So yeah, you were the only one that i never felt jealous over! And it used to drive you crazy at times, din it? You'd wonder if you really meant anything to me since i was like "Mr. Cool" - your own words, remember?
I did say you were!
She told me that there's someone else - jus a fren, but i've come to realise, a pretty close fren - who obviously wants more.
Would you believe that she actually asked me if i mind that she spends time wif him???!!! I think it was less than a week after knowing me!!! She's soooo sweet!
Of course i said no. Who am i to say anything in the first place? I'm in no position.
Instead of feeling jealous, i felt pretty happy about it! She was very opened about it - and she trusted me. And it showed that she cared how i felt!
The thing about it is that i realise now that i'm so cool about it - cool as in "No worries-cool".
So yeah, you are no longer the only Wan! ;-P
I really dun mind her spending so much time wif him (altho i can think of so reasons why she shouldn't!!! ;-P).
Maybe it's still the early stages? Dun know.
But i do envy him in a way - not the green-eyed monster jealous kind of envy. I just wished i could be as privilleged as he is!!!! I mean, he gets to see her!!!!
He gets to see her smile!!!! i have to go to her blog to see a 2D version of her smile!
He gets to hear her voice!!!! i only hear her voice singing on the same song that she sent me!
He gets to look into her eyes when he talks to her. i dun get to see her at all when i talk to her!
He gets to hear her laugh. i only have the memories of it from the phonecalls last week!
Lucky bloke!
Wonder if he realises it. The scary thing is that if i were back home too, i may be taking all that for granted - seeing her, hearing her etc.
Sigh... she is so special, Wan. And so different from the rest. So, so different. So wonderful! Is it any wonder why i can't seem to stop thinking or talking bout her? ;-)
You'll be hearing more of her!!!!
Take care. God bless.
Quite a numbr of letters lately-eh? Well, you know the reason! I just cant seem to stop thinking and talking bout her!!!
The other day, she asked if i was the jealous type. I had to tell her i was - based on the evidence of the last few relationships i have had. It would affect me a lot to know if those girls were spending time wif other men, or even enjoying themselves wif wif other guys. I hated the feeling.
But you were different, Wan. It has to be due to our "history"? But i was never affected - and it really, really surprised me. Remember when you were going out wif V - as in go out wif him for a dinner? We both knew how u used to have a crush on him. I remembered you telling me about it and me saying that it's alrite.
I was truly surprised at how alrite it was!
I told her bout it - she said its prolly cuz i trusted you. I guess. After all, it was me that u'd turn to at that time. It was me whom you'd spend so much time wif. It was me whom you called and talked all nite long.
Perhaps it was due to over-confidence? I had "lost" you so many times but each time, you'd be back - it was like.... a boomerang? You'd come back to me! :-)
So yeah, you were the only one that i never felt jealous over! And it used to drive you crazy at times, din it? You'd wonder if you really meant anything to me since i was like "Mr. Cool" - your own words, remember?
I did say you were!
She told me that there's someone else - jus a fren, but i've come to realise, a pretty close fren - who obviously wants more.
Would you believe that she actually asked me if i mind that she spends time wif him???!!! I think it was less than a week after knowing me!!! She's soooo sweet!
Of course i said no. Who am i to say anything in the first place? I'm in no position.
Instead of feeling jealous, i felt pretty happy about it! She was very opened about it - and she trusted me. And it showed that she cared how i felt!
The thing about it is that i realise now that i'm so cool about it - cool as in "No worries-cool".
So yeah, you are no longer the only Wan! ;-P
I really dun mind her spending so much time wif him (altho i can think of so reasons why she shouldn't!!! ;-P).
Maybe it's still the early stages? Dun know.
But i do envy him in a way - not the green-eyed monster jealous kind of envy. I just wished i could be as privilleged as he is!!!! I mean, he gets to see her!!!!
He gets to see her smile!!!! i have to go to her blog to see a 2D version of her smile!
He gets to hear her voice!!!! i only hear her voice singing on the same song that she sent me!
He gets to look into her eyes when he talks to her. i dun get to see her at all when i talk to her!
He gets to hear her laugh. i only have the memories of it from the phonecalls last week!
Lucky bloke!
Wonder if he realises it. The scary thing is that if i were back home too, i may be taking all that for granted - seeing her, hearing her etc.
Sigh... she is so special, Wan. And so different from the rest. So, so different. So wonderful! Is it any wonder why i can't seem to stop thinking or talking bout her? ;-)
You'll be hearing more of her!!!!
Take care. God bless.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Angels
Dearest Wan,
Do you believe in Guardian Angels? Well, she does.
Me? That's difficult. Well, i believe angels played a role in protecting God's people, individually and corporately in the OT. But in the NT? There dun seem to be much said on it. It appears that angels in the NT mainly minister to our Lord. Of course there is one reference where Jesus seem to imply that each child has a guardian angel protecting him/her.
Now that i have to believe! You would too if you have kids - not that i have any.
But i do have a nephew and a niece. One of the best memories i have was taking me nephew out to the playground just behind me house. It was wonderful! It was also quite a harrowing experience!
No longer do they have the basic slide thingy that we used to play when we were young. It was an elaborate thing wif rope ladders, iron bars to hang from, plastic tubes to slide down, etc. The kids all just love it!
It was there that i realise that the guardian angels for the kids were working overtime!!!! I mean, the parents/maids/guardians din really seem to bother wif the kids. They'd sit a far chatting - while the kids run riot all over the place, climbing up and down, swinging here to there, jumping everywhere! I was the only grown up there, a split second away from me nephew just in case he slips or get knocked by other kids.
But at the end of the day, none of the kids got hurt! Trust me, it is nothing less than a miracle!
It was then that i had to believe that i was in the presence of angels!
Anyways, i bought her a guardian angel bookmark for her mission trip - and i just had to tell someone about it!
You see, i knew i had to post it the latest on that day - but at that point of time, i din know wat to get her. I knew i wanted to get her something which hopefully she'll bring wif her on her trip, to remind her of me, of course! ;-P More importantly, to remind her that i'll be praying for her.
So off i went to town that day, walking aimlessly, not knowing wat to get.
I din wanna get the usual boring tacky stuffs - like cute bears, key rings and stuffs like that. So began the hunt.
It din help that i had a pretty bad migraine that day. But i endured thru the pain level - che wah! ;-P
I finally came across the GA bookmark - it was really quite cool. But then i started thinking too much as usual - does she believe in GAs? It would be quite sad if i get a note from her saying "Oh, thanks for it but actually, i dun believe in GAs"!!!!
To be honest, i meself am not really a strong believer too - i mean, we have the H/S in us so why do we still need a GA?
So guess wat i did? I went to the public library and started doing research!!!! After a while and no yielding much answers, i went to the only Christian bookshop in town and started browsing thru the theology books.
No answers! But they did sell some of the pin thingys - there's one of the cross wif a dove on it, and another of just a dove. Excellent - quite good, symbolically - that the Holy Spirit be wif her and protect her.
But somehow, somehow, it just din feel right.
Time was running out and headache was getting worse. My research told me that GA was only mentioned once in the NT and that was in the context of children. In the NT, angels usually function as messengers - and they minister to the needs of Jesus. That's all.
I decided to stick wif wat i liked better - the GA bookmark.
By the time i got back, the migraine was getting worse and worse! i hurried to write a note and sealed it all in an envolope. But fearing i couldn't make it on time, i rushed to the campus post shop to get the stamps first.
By the time i got back, prepared everything and rushed back to the post shop, i was 3 mins late - the postman came and took all the mail oredi. The postman only comes once, at 5 pm. if my mail gets collected at 5 pm the next day, i was sure it wont reach her by next Thursday before she leaves on Friday.
I then remembered there was a red pillar box 15 mins away from campus, on the way to Tesco. I wasn't sure wat time the collection was, tho. But i decided to trry it anyway.
So, wif the migraine going strong, i walked all the way to that red pillar box - and thank God, it was not in vain!!! The collection was at 6 pm! I made it! Phew...
The next week, on Tuesday, she told that she had decided to leave one day earlier!!!!!!! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
At least before that, i could still harbour some hope that perhaps she might receive it before she leaves. Now i know that it would not be possible!!!
All my efforts.... :-( Oh well, i keep telling meself that there'll be other trips which she can take it along wif her.
Then on Wed morn, i got to find out from her that the GA bookmark arrived! On the day before she left!!! Praise God.
That's not all - she believes in GA!
Wait, there's more - she said that it was really suitable as she reads a lot!!!!
:-)
I was so tempted to tell her about all the trouble i went to get it to her - but somehow, that din feel right. Like trying to sell meself, only! ;-P
So i have to tell you lor!
But prolly someday, i might tell her bout this blog - and she'll still get to read about it!!! ;-)
So if you are reading about it now, then know how much i sufferred for it! :-) Hahaha. Really! The things i do for you! I must be truly mad about you to do such things - usually, if i have a migraine, it's really bad!
But Wan, believe you me when i say that she is worth it! She really is! :-)
Take care. God bless.
Do you believe in Guardian Angels? Well, she does.
Me? That's difficult. Well, i believe angels played a role in protecting God's people, individually and corporately in the OT. But in the NT? There dun seem to be much said on it. It appears that angels in the NT mainly minister to our Lord. Of course there is one reference where Jesus seem to imply that each child has a guardian angel protecting him/her.
Now that i have to believe! You would too if you have kids - not that i have any.
But i do have a nephew and a niece. One of the best memories i have was taking me nephew out to the playground just behind me house. It was wonderful! It was also quite a harrowing experience!
No longer do they have the basic slide thingy that we used to play when we were young. It was an elaborate thing wif rope ladders, iron bars to hang from, plastic tubes to slide down, etc. The kids all just love it!
It was there that i realise that the guardian angels for the kids were working overtime!!!! I mean, the parents/maids/guardians din really seem to bother wif the kids. They'd sit a far chatting - while the kids run riot all over the place, climbing up and down, swinging here to there, jumping everywhere! I was the only grown up there, a split second away from me nephew just in case he slips or get knocked by other kids.
But at the end of the day, none of the kids got hurt! Trust me, it is nothing less than a miracle!
It was then that i had to believe that i was in the presence of angels!
Anyways, i bought her a guardian angel bookmark for her mission trip - and i just had to tell someone about it!
You see, i knew i had to post it the latest on that day - but at that point of time, i din know wat to get her. I knew i wanted to get her something which hopefully she'll bring wif her on her trip, to remind her of me, of course! ;-P More importantly, to remind her that i'll be praying for her.
So off i went to town that day, walking aimlessly, not knowing wat to get.
I din wanna get the usual boring tacky stuffs - like cute bears, key rings and stuffs like that. So began the hunt.
It din help that i had a pretty bad migraine that day. But i endured thru the pain level - che wah! ;-P
I finally came across the GA bookmark - it was really quite cool. But then i started thinking too much as usual - does she believe in GAs? It would be quite sad if i get a note from her saying "Oh, thanks for it but actually, i dun believe in GAs"!!!!
To be honest, i meself am not really a strong believer too - i mean, we have the H/S in us so why do we still need a GA?
So guess wat i did? I went to the public library and started doing research!!!! After a while and no yielding much answers, i went to the only Christian bookshop in town and started browsing thru the theology books.
No answers! But they did sell some of the pin thingys - there's one of the cross wif a dove on it, and another of just a dove. Excellent - quite good, symbolically - that the Holy Spirit be wif her and protect her.
But somehow, somehow, it just din feel right.
Time was running out and headache was getting worse. My research told me that GA was only mentioned once in the NT and that was in the context of children. In the NT, angels usually function as messengers - and they minister to the needs of Jesus. That's all.
I decided to stick wif wat i liked better - the GA bookmark.
By the time i got back, the migraine was getting worse and worse! i hurried to write a note and sealed it all in an envolope. But fearing i couldn't make it on time, i rushed to the campus post shop to get the stamps first.
By the time i got back, prepared everything and rushed back to the post shop, i was 3 mins late - the postman came and took all the mail oredi. The postman only comes once, at 5 pm. if my mail gets collected at 5 pm the next day, i was sure it wont reach her by next Thursday before she leaves on Friday.
I then remembered there was a red pillar box 15 mins away from campus, on the way to Tesco. I wasn't sure wat time the collection was, tho. But i decided to trry it anyway.
So, wif the migraine going strong, i walked all the way to that red pillar box - and thank God, it was not in vain!!! The collection was at 6 pm! I made it! Phew...
The next week, on Tuesday, she told that she had decided to leave one day earlier!!!!!!! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
At least before that, i could still harbour some hope that perhaps she might receive it before she leaves. Now i know that it would not be possible!!!
All my efforts.... :-( Oh well, i keep telling meself that there'll be other trips which she can take it along wif her.
Then on Wed morn, i got to find out from her that the GA bookmark arrived! On the day before she left!!! Praise God.
That's not all - she believes in GA!
Wait, there's more - she said that it was really suitable as she reads a lot!!!!
:-)
I was so tempted to tell her about all the trouble i went to get it to her - but somehow, that din feel right. Like trying to sell meself, only! ;-P
So i have to tell you lor!
But prolly someday, i might tell her bout this blog - and she'll still get to read about it!!! ;-)
So if you are reading about it now, then know how much i sufferred for it! :-) Hahaha. Really! The things i do for you! I must be truly mad about you to do such things - usually, if i have a migraine, it's really bad!
But Wan, believe you me when i say that she is worth it! She really is! :-)
Take care. God bless.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
A new Wan?
Dearest Wan,
Remember how we bought each other the exactly same gift and gave it to each other at the exactly same time? Oh, i brought that CD wif me here!!!
We used to say that those kinda things only happens in TV.
Well, it sure seems like i'm living in a movie right now!
I'm talking about... her, of course! The new "W" in me life! We've known each other for less than 2 weeks and oredi, we talk and act like we've known each other all our lives! We could have i guess. After all, we lived in the same neighbourhood. We'd hang out in the same places. We both served in the FOC 4 years ago.
And yet, when God decided it was time for us to meet, we met in the strangest possible way! By pure "chance", some might say. A post was blogged out of frustration. Days later, more than 10 thousand km away, the same post was read out of boredom from a link on another blog.
It only happens in the movies - but does it? When i read her post, something happenned. I dun know wat but there was this... this... thing lah! Lightning struck? How can you tell so much of one person by just one post on her blog? Not much, unless...
I'm a dreamer, Wan. You know me. I always have been. But this is too real to be a dream. Wan, this is someone whom i could connect with so easily, someone whom i feel so at peace wif, someone who has planted a fire inside that warms me up each time i think of her - and trust me, i think of her a lot!!!!!
I felt like i've gone crazy - but in a nice way. the last thing on me mind before i sleep is her. The first thing that comes to mind when i awake the next morning is her. And each time i wake up in the middle of the nite, she's on me mind!!!!
She is so pure, so refreshingly honest and funny. And we are so alike in so many ways! We could end up talking about anything and everything without inhibition. It's like we've known each other all our lives - and if i wasn't a Christian, i'd think we were soul mates in a different life!!!!
Most importantly, she has a wonderful heart! She loves the Lord so much. She is so committed to Him! And she has a heart for people - she can look at someone and be moved to tears as her heart reaches out for them.
Is it any wonder i'm so smitten?
And she has taught me so much.
Mind you, all this took place in a space of less than2 weeks!!!! And til today, we have not met each other face to face!!!!
We did talk over the phone. Altho the first couple of minutes was a little ... rough - she was trying to get over the surprise that i called, i was trying to get over my nerves, and we were both trying to get used to the delay on the phone - but once we got over that, it was... magic! Nothing spectacular - quite ordinary, in a way. Too ordinary! So unlike 2 people who were talking to each other for the first time in their lives. More like 2 old frens catching up.
And her voice, Wan... ah... i knew she was a sweet person. She sounded so so sweet! :-)
Her laugh, her giggle... i'm so so smitten!
And you know wat? I think she likes me too! Altho "like" is not a word that i would like to use to describe my feelings for her. Madly and crazy into her? ;-)
The other nite, she was crying and she texted me telling me that. I called her again and we chatted til i hear her laugh and giggle again. Of course it broke my heart to think that she had been crying, to hear her crying too. But i was glad i could spend some time wif her and just be wif her at that time - even tho i'm like thousands of miles away.
That's wat killing me - i'm so far away.
I dun know when i'll be going back.
And there's someone else... and he has to be Mr. Perfect!!! The kind of guy girls dream of getting. :-(
I could give her so many reasons why he's not for her... but i didn't. And i wont. In any event, i know i cant be unbiased. And i would rather she realise i'm for her, instead of realising he's not for her - do i make sense?
But am i for her? If this is a movie, then the ending is obvious - if it was a romantic comedy, it'd be a hppy ending for me. If it was a drama, then she'd go for him.
If this was a horror movie, she'd eat me up....
Hehehe... just kidding. the last one, anyways...
I feel really bad in some ways cuz i'm the 3rd party. And the poor guy - if he "loses" out, i can imagine the pain he would go thru, to lose someone as wonderful as she is!!!
Somehow, i have this feeling that common sense will prevail and she'd stick wif him - i really dun blame her if she does. And tt's the story of me life, isn't it? To finally find someone so right, so perfect, and to lose her.
I did tell her about you... and even about these letters. She was so cute. I told her that i talk to you about her. She said why dun i talk to her about her?!! :-)
I've learnt me lesson from the experience wif you. I am not gonna give up, nor let go. As long as there is a chance, i will wait for her - she is worth it, Wan, she is!!!
I will never forget wat we had, Wan. But you moved on - and now, it appears that it's my turn to move on too. It never seemed possible. Sure, i did consider some others - many others. But i knew i was just "settling" for the best i could find. Which is why it never last. they never last. But this time, it is so different. It really is.
I was desperately searching - and when i finally conceded that i'll never find one who is so right, she came along to prove me wrong.
Pray for me, Wan. As you have found yr other half, i hope that i'll find mine - and to be smart enuf this time not to lose her.
Take care. God bless.
Remember how we bought each other the exactly same gift and gave it to each other at the exactly same time? Oh, i brought that CD wif me here!!!
We used to say that those kinda things only happens in TV.
Well, it sure seems like i'm living in a movie right now!
I'm talking about... her, of course! The new "W" in me life! We've known each other for less than 2 weeks and oredi, we talk and act like we've known each other all our lives! We could have i guess. After all, we lived in the same neighbourhood. We'd hang out in the same places. We both served in the FOC 4 years ago.
And yet, when God decided it was time for us to meet, we met in the strangest possible way! By pure "chance", some might say. A post was blogged out of frustration. Days later, more than 10 thousand km away, the same post was read out of boredom from a link on another blog.
It only happens in the movies - but does it? When i read her post, something happenned. I dun know wat but there was this... this... thing lah! Lightning struck? How can you tell so much of one person by just one post on her blog? Not much, unless...
I'm a dreamer, Wan. You know me. I always have been. But this is too real to be a dream. Wan, this is someone whom i could connect with so easily, someone whom i feel so at peace wif, someone who has planted a fire inside that warms me up each time i think of her - and trust me, i think of her a lot!!!!!
I felt like i've gone crazy - but in a nice way. the last thing on me mind before i sleep is her. The first thing that comes to mind when i awake the next morning is her. And each time i wake up in the middle of the nite, she's on me mind!!!!
She is so pure, so refreshingly honest and funny. And we are so alike in so many ways! We could end up talking about anything and everything without inhibition. It's like we've known each other all our lives - and if i wasn't a Christian, i'd think we were soul mates in a different life!!!!
Most importantly, she has a wonderful heart! She loves the Lord so much. She is so committed to Him! And she has a heart for people - she can look at someone and be moved to tears as her heart reaches out for them.
Is it any wonder i'm so smitten?
And she has taught me so much.
Mind you, all this took place in a space of less than2 weeks!!!! And til today, we have not met each other face to face!!!!
We did talk over the phone. Altho the first couple of minutes was a little ... rough - she was trying to get over the surprise that i called, i was trying to get over my nerves, and we were both trying to get used to the delay on the phone - but once we got over that, it was... magic! Nothing spectacular - quite ordinary, in a way. Too ordinary! So unlike 2 people who were talking to each other for the first time in their lives. More like 2 old frens catching up.
And her voice, Wan... ah... i knew she was a sweet person. She sounded so so sweet! :-)
Her laugh, her giggle... i'm so so smitten!
And you know wat? I think she likes me too! Altho "like" is not a word that i would like to use to describe my feelings for her. Madly and crazy into her? ;-)
The other nite, she was crying and she texted me telling me that. I called her again and we chatted til i hear her laugh and giggle again. Of course it broke my heart to think that she had been crying, to hear her crying too. But i was glad i could spend some time wif her and just be wif her at that time - even tho i'm like thousands of miles away.
That's wat killing me - i'm so far away.
I dun know when i'll be going back.
And there's someone else... and he has to be Mr. Perfect!!! The kind of guy girls dream of getting. :-(
I could give her so many reasons why he's not for her... but i didn't. And i wont. In any event, i know i cant be unbiased. And i would rather she realise i'm for her, instead of realising he's not for her - do i make sense?
But am i for her? If this is a movie, then the ending is obvious - if it was a romantic comedy, it'd be a hppy ending for me. If it was a drama, then she'd go for him.
If this was a horror movie, she'd eat me up....
Hehehe... just kidding. the last one, anyways...
I feel really bad in some ways cuz i'm the 3rd party. And the poor guy - if he "loses" out, i can imagine the pain he would go thru, to lose someone as wonderful as she is!!!
Somehow, i have this feeling that common sense will prevail and she'd stick wif him - i really dun blame her if she does. And tt's the story of me life, isn't it? To finally find someone so right, so perfect, and to lose her.
I did tell her about you... and even about these letters. She was so cute. I told her that i talk to you about her. She said why dun i talk to her about her?!! :-)
I've learnt me lesson from the experience wif you. I am not gonna give up, nor let go. As long as there is a chance, i will wait for her - she is worth it, Wan, she is!!!
I will never forget wat we had, Wan. But you moved on - and now, it appears that it's my turn to move on too. It never seemed possible. Sure, i did consider some others - many others. But i knew i was just "settling" for the best i could find. Which is why it never last. they never last. But this time, it is so different. It really is.
I was desperately searching - and when i finally conceded that i'll never find one who is so right, she came along to prove me wrong.
Pray for me, Wan. As you have found yr other half, i hope that i'll find mine - and to be smart enuf this time not to lose her.
Take care. God bless.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Movies
Dearest Wan,
Been wanting to write for so long... well, actually, for 1 week! But the week gone by has been so crazy that it would have been a lifetime for some people!!!
Been thinking so much of you. Wished it was vice versa too...
How can i not think of you when i watch movies which steal from our experinces!!! yeah, steal! ;-P
Take this line from "When Harry Met Sally":-
I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
I still love the smell of Polo Sport :-)
How bout this from "The Notebook":-
I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter any more, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you.
I know wat we had was real. I still smile when i think of our "summer" together, learning from each other and growing in love. The love that we had awakened my soul, planted a fire in me heart and brought peace to my mind. Never had i felt such a way before. I used to doubt if i ever will again...
I was troubled after i watched The Notebook. Noah told Allie that the reason she went to see him just before her marriage was because she was not happy. She prolly still loved him.
You din come see me before yours. I guess that meant you no longer love me? Or did you ever in the first place? Was i just the wrong guy in the wrong place who kept u company until the right guy did?
I tried to convince meself of that that nite, as i wondered around the campus and gaze upon the stars at 2 am, lying on a park bench. That would be so easy for me to let you go - it's not that i still am crazy over you but it would be nice not to be emotionally effected when i watch these kinds of movies, or when i smell Polo Sport, or when i go to Sunway Pyramid, or when i hear "our songs". After all, i'd be stupid to feel that way over someone who never loved me in the first place...
I failed. i couldn't convince meself of that. What we had was real - no matter how much time has passed, no matter wat has happened since, i know deep inside that nothing will change wat we had back then.
People have always told me to move on. That's easier said than done. It's not like physically moving from one place to another. Do they think i enjoy wallowing in this, living in the past?
Erm... maybe... ;-P
In any ways, things may be changing...
Yeah, Wan - i met someone!!! It's still early days. But you know wat? So far, it feels ... so right! And my heart feel so at peace over it.
It's truly crazy, Wan! :-) I have not been so effected like this for so long - and i've never been smiling so much for so long. I never realised that til a Uni mate pointed out last winter how i always look so down. Now, no one can ever say that - and they are wondering the opposite!!!
Anyways... as i said, its still the very early stage. Altho it is scary how fast we are moving. It appears for the first time that i may be moving on after all! Are't u happy for me? Have all these years of waiting been worth it after all? I may have to thank you for "holding" me back til now!! ;-P
We'll see how it goes. I keep having to check meself for not thinking too far ahead. I just hope that i wont be stupid enough to let go of her - like how i did wif you.
Watever it is, watever happens, you know, rite, that u'll always have a special place in me heart. Always. You are truly wan of a kind! ;-)
Take care.
Been wanting to write for so long... well, actually, for 1 week! But the week gone by has been so crazy that it would have been a lifetime for some people!!!
Been thinking so much of you. Wished it was vice versa too...
How can i not think of you when i watch movies which steal from our experinces!!! yeah, steal! ;-P
Take this line from "When Harry Met Sally":-
I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
I still love the smell of Polo Sport :-)
How bout this from "The Notebook":-
I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter any more, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you.
I know wat we had was real. I still smile when i think of our "summer" together, learning from each other and growing in love. The love that we had awakened my soul, planted a fire in me heart and brought peace to my mind. Never had i felt such a way before. I used to doubt if i ever will again...
I was troubled after i watched The Notebook. Noah told Allie that the reason she went to see him just before her marriage was because she was not happy. She prolly still loved him.
You din come see me before yours. I guess that meant you no longer love me? Or did you ever in the first place? Was i just the wrong guy in the wrong place who kept u company until the right guy did?
I tried to convince meself of that that nite, as i wondered around the campus and gaze upon the stars at 2 am, lying on a park bench. That would be so easy for me to let you go - it's not that i still am crazy over you but it would be nice not to be emotionally effected when i watch these kinds of movies, or when i smell Polo Sport, or when i go to Sunway Pyramid, or when i hear "our songs". After all, i'd be stupid to feel that way over someone who never loved me in the first place...
I failed. i couldn't convince meself of that. What we had was real - no matter how much time has passed, no matter wat has happened since, i know deep inside that nothing will change wat we had back then.
People have always told me to move on. That's easier said than done. It's not like physically moving from one place to another. Do they think i enjoy wallowing in this, living in the past?
Erm... maybe... ;-P
In any ways, things may be changing...
Yeah, Wan - i met someone!!! It's still early days. But you know wat? So far, it feels ... so right! And my heart feel so at peace over it.
It's truly crazy, Wan! :-) I have not been so effected like this for so long - and i've never been smiling so much for so long. I never realised that til a Uni mate pointed out last winter how i always look so down. Now, no one can ever say that - and they are wondering the opposite!!!
Anyways... as i said, its still the very early stage. Altho it is scary how fast we are moving. It appears for the first time that i may be moving on after all! Are't u happy for me? Have all these years of waiting been worth it after all? I may have to thank you for "holding" me back til now!! ;-P
We'll see how it goes. I keep having to check meself for not thinking too far ahead. I just hope that i wont be stupid enough to let go of her - like how i did wif you.
Watever it is, watever happens, you know, rite, that u'll always have a special place in me heart. Always. You are truly wan of a kind! ;-)
Take care.
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