Letters to the Wan and only!
Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone...Thursday, June 22, 2006
The aftermath
Dearest Wan,
Me feeling better now. Amazing how a good cry and 10 hours of sleep can help so much.
I was actually smiling again this morning - but that was more cuz i met Chiaki at the kitchen! :-) Sigh... if only she's a Christian... and she speaks better English...!!!! :-P
I guess i managed to put things into perspective. i had no doubt i would. i jus needed to let it out a little.
it's so much easier to write now - not so emotional.
2 nites ago, i was literally dancing on the streets. Last nite, i walked slowly in the dark, enjoying the wind, tears in me eyes. All in the span of less than 24 hours.
It's ironic - but tt's the story of me life. if wat happened 2 nites ago din happen, i'd be so fine. After all, this was wat i had expected all along. It's so unrealistic to expect anything more. I wouldn't have been joyous but i wouldn't be crying alone in the dark last nite.
But she had to say it! i mean, how could i interpret it any other way? She said "I need you in the same geographical area before i can give us a try. And i will. If you are around."
There is no other way to understand that, can there? She will give "us" a try if i am around.
So wat happened? Well, that changed to something like "You come back first and then we'll see".
???
That is so different. So so so so so so different.
And i finally understand his position. She said in no uncertain terms that she's going out wif him. She said that she's returning on Friday - no doubt to surprise him for his birthday. And... this is hard - it was like a knife thru me heart (drama queen me!) but she did confessed that she missed him a lot.
I could have died at that point of time. Wished the ground would open and swallow me up - except that i'll just end up on the 10th floor, instead of the 11th...
Her conclusion of the matter was clear to me - she wants status quo. She will not stop seeing him.
And all this after i told her that i was willing to come back. Yes, just for her! I was willing to give up my dreams. I was willing to forgo my chance to see the world. Just to be wif her!
And she says that she still wants status quo - with him, too.
She says she finds it hard to say things that he won't like. I dun know wat to make of that. On the one hand, it shows how much she cares for him, doesn't it?
And the worst thing about it? i cant bring meself to hate her! i can't get angry wif her.we're so alike that i actually understand wat she is going thru. I understand wat he means to her. yes, in spite of things she says like unable to share spiritual stuffs, can't talk about things etc. I've been thru it before. I know how it is to be unequally yoked - but yet to still care for that person. To still love that person.
That's wat love is, isn't it? It doesn't depend on things in common, or how open we can be to each other. It's a decision and a commitment.
At this point of time, her decision is obvious.
I expected it all along! Really! But wat she said 2 nites ago actually raised me hopes. It made me believe that i was wrong - that she was willing to give me a chance. I was willing to give up almost everything i have - but now i find that she can't seem to do the same.
Why did she say she was willing to give me a chance? Why???
That's love, isn't it? One moment it can make you feel like you are walking on air. The next, you are lower than pond scum.
The highest point of me life - for as long as i can remember - was met wif the lowest point of me life. All within 24 hours.
I was telling her how much i missd her - and she told me how much she missed him.
I tried so hard but as i walked back from church last nite, i couldn't get that out of me mind. I kept on hearing her voice telling me she missed him.
I really wanted to give it all up. Enough!
I went thru this wif you. I cant believe i'm going thru it again. The same!!!!!! how can this possible???
Some people spend a lifetime looking for love - true, real love. but they never find it. i found it - once wif you - and miraculously, against all odds, thoroughly unexpectedly, i found it again! In her.
Lighning does strike at the same place twice!
And it looks like i'm gonna lose her too...
...not that i had her in the first place. Altho it felt like i did 2 nites ago.
Losing you was the darkest point of me life. I can't believe i have to go thru that again - not when i thought i had finally found someone whom i could love as easily as i loved you. Whom loving seems so right and so real. I had given up hope of ever finding someone like that - now that i have found someone even better than that, i had her - and lost her within the span of 24 hours...
So how?
Well, at least all this confirmed one thing. One thing that i needed to be sure - Wan, I love her. I really do. No matter wat she does, i still love her. Maybe its cuz i know her so well and i understand wat she is doing. Maybe cuz loving her is so easy. I'm not gonna let go. I will wait. if it takes years until she is ready, then i guess i shud be ready to do that. If she wants to go on going out wif him, i'll live wif that.
I just hope and pray that one day she'll be able and ready to love me in the same way.
Anyways - the practical person speaks now - it is for the best. It was too fast. She's right that we shud now just work on being frens. I have my responsibility here and over my money. All impulsive notions and foolish dreams of spending a fortune to go back - even at the price of me dissertation - is at least now shelved.
She after needs time to see where God wants her.
For now, i have to do me dissertation. And then look for opportunity to work here. I'll be here.
She'll be there. She'll celebrate his brithday wif him. He'll celebrate her birthday wif her - while i burn the midnite oil finishing me dissertation.
That's cool.
I love her, Wan. I just wish i could tell her that. But the dreamer in me just refuses to do that over the phone, or thru an e-mail or any other methods. I must be there, and look into her eyes. Until then, we'll just see, lah.
So what happens now? Don't ask anymore.
Thanks for listening.
Take care. God bless.
Me feeling better now. Amazing how a good cry and 10 hours of sleep can help so much.
I was actually smiling again this morning - but that was more cuz i met Chiaki at the kitchen! :-) Sigh... if only she's a Christian... and she speaks better English...!!!! :-P
I guess i managed to put things into perspective. i had no doubt i would. i jus needed to let it out a little.
it's so much easier to write now - not so emotional.
2 nites ago, i was literally dancing on the streets. Last nite, i walked slowly in the dark, enjoying the wind, tears in me eyes. All in the span of less than 24 hours.
It's ironic - but tt's the story of me life. if wat happened 2 nites ago din happen, i'd be so fine. After all, this was wat i had expected all along. It's so unrealistic to expect anything more. I wouldn't have been joyous but i wouldn't be crying alone in the dark last nite.
But she had to say it! i mean, how could i interpret it any other way? She said "I need you in the same geographical area before i can give us a try. And i will. If you are around."
There is no other way to understand that, can there? She will give "us" a try if i am around.
So wat happened? Well, that changed to something like "You come back first and then we'll see".
???
That is so different. So so so so so so different.
And i finally understand his position. She said in no uncertain terms that she's going out wif him. She said that she's returning on Friday - no doubt to surprise him for his birthday. And... this is hard - it was like a knife thru me heart (drama queen me!) but she did confessed that she missed him a lot.
I could have died at that point of time. Wished the ground would open and swallow me up - except that i'll just end up on the 10th floor, instead of the 11th...
Her conclusion of the matter was clear to me - she wants status quo. She will not stop seeing him.
And all this after i told her that i was willing to come back. Yes, just for her! I was willing to give up my dreams. I was willing to forgo my chance to see the world. Just to be wif her!
And she says that she still wants status quo - with him, too.
She says she finds it hard to say things that he won't like. I dun know wat to make of that. On the one hand, it shows how much she cares for him, doesn't it?
And the worst thing about it? i cant bring meself to hate her! i can't get angry wif her.we're so alike that i actually understand wat she is going thru. I understand wat he means to her. yes, in spite of things she says like unable to share spiritual stuffs, can't talk about things etc. I've been thru it before. I know how it is to be unequally yoked - but yet to still care for that person. To still love that person.
That's wat love is, isn't it? It doesn't depend on things in common, or how open we can be to each other. It's a decision and a commitment.
At this point of time, her decision is obvious.
I expected it all along! Really! But wat she said 2 nites ago actually raised me hopes. It made me believe that i was wrong - that she was willing to give me a chance. I was willing to give up almost everything i have - but now i find that she can't seem to do the same.
Why did she say she was willing to give me a chance? Why???
That's love, isn't it? One moment it can make you feel like you are walking on air. The next, you are lower than pond scum.
The highest point of me life - for as long as i can remember - was met wif the lowest point of me life. All within 24 hours.
I was telling her how much i missd her - and she told me how much she missed him.
I tried so hard but as i walked back from church last nite, i couldn't get that out of me mind. I kept on hearing her voice telling me she missed him.
I really wanted to give it all up. Enough!
I went thru this wif you. I cant believe i'm going thru it again. The same!!!!!! how can this possible???
Some people spend a lifetime looking for love - true, real love. but they never find it. i found it - once wif you - and miraculously, against all odds, thoroughly unexpectedly, i found it again! In her.
Lighning does strike at the same place twice!
And it looks like i'm gonna lose her too...
...not that i had her in the first place. Altho it felt like i did 2 nites ago.
Losing you was the darkest point of me life. I can't believe i have to go thru that again - not when i thought i had finally found someone whom i could love as easily as i loved you. Whom loving seems so right and so real. I had given up hope of ever finding someone like that - now that i have found someone even better than that, i had her - and lost her within the span of 24 hours...
So how?
Well, at least all this confirmed one thing. One thing that i needed to be sure - Wan, I love her. I really do. No matter wat she does, i still love her. Maybe its cuz i know her so well and i understand wat she is doing. Maybe cuz loving her is so easy. I'm not gonna let go. I will wait. if it takes years until she is ready, then i guess i shud be ready to do that. If she wants to go on going out wif him, i'll live wif that.
I just hope and pray that one day she'll be able and ready to love me in the same way.
Anyways - the practical person speaks now - it is for the best. It was too fast. She's right that we shud now just work on being frens. I have my responsibility here and over my money. All impulsive notions and foolish dreams of spending a fortune to go back - even at the price of me dissertation - is at least now shelved.
She after needs time to see where God wants her.
For now, i have to do me dissertation. And then look for opportunity to work here. I'll be here.
She'll be there. She'll celebrate his brithday wif him. He'll celebrate her birthday wif her - while i burn the midnite oil finishing me dissertation.
That's cool.
I love her, Wan. I just wish i could tell her that. But the dreamer in me just refuses to do that over the phone, or thru an e-mail or any other methods. I must be there, and look into her eyes. Until then, we'll just see, lah.
So what happens now? Don't ask anymore.
Thanks for listening.
Take care. God bless.
posted by imissw # 2:20 pm 
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