Letters to the Wan and only!
Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone...Thursday, October 05, 2006
Friday, July 14, 2006
Back again
Dearest Wan,
There's this episode in Season 3 of Buffy where Buffy finally manages to "move on". She takes the ring that Angel had given her in the past, went to the place where she last saw him, and leaves it there. It was time to let go. It was time to move on. She did.
And seconds after she leaves, Angel came falling back from the skies, literally!!!!
That's you, Wan!
It is always like this. It always has been, and i guess it always will, won't it? Just when i finally gave up, just when i could at long last move on and let go, you come back.
I actually stopped writing to you! Yes, i've met someone else. Ironically, someone who like you, who just can't love me the way i love her. But at the very least, i moved on.
Then out of the blue, you come back into me life again - like nothing changed. Of course things have changed around us. You've been married for like 2 years? I've come back to the UK. But yet, it feels the same again.
And i'm afraid.
You are after all, married.
I am after all, still in love wif you...
Sure, there's someone else. Someone whom i dared think is better than you! A miracle, no less. But no matter how wonderfully perfect she is for me, she'd never have wat we had - we have a history. We share a piece of the past together.
You asked me - albeit 2 years later - why i din attend yr wedding. I'm sure u know the answer, dun you? How could i, Wan, how could i? I'm not that strong.
Why did you have to come back after i've finally let go? WHY????
Why?
There's this episode in Season 3 of Buffy where Buffy finally manages to "move on". She takes the ring that Angel had given her in the past, went to the place where she last saw him, and leaves it there. It was time to let go. It was time to move on. She did.
And seconds after she leaves, Angel came falling back from the skies, literally!!!!
That's you, Wan!
It is always like this. It always has been, and i guess it always will, won't it? Just when i finally gave up, just when i could at long last move on and let go, you come back.
I actually stopped writing to you! Yes, i've met someone else. Ironically, someone who like you, who just can't love me the way i love her. But at the very least, i moved on.
Then out of the blue, you come back into me life again - like nothing changed. Of course things have changed around us. You've been married for like 2 years? I've come back to the UK. But yet, it feels the same again.
And i'm afraid.
You are after all, married.
I am after all, still in love wif you...
Sure, there's someone else. Someone whom i dared think is better than you! A miracle, no less. But no matter how wonderfully perfect she is for me, she'd never have wat we had - we have a history. We share a piece of the past together.
You asked me - albeit 2 years later - why i din attend yr wedding. I'm sure u know the answer, dun you? How could i, Wan, how could i? I'm not that strong.
Why did you have to come back after i've finally let go? WHY????
Why?
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Dead
Dearest Wan,
How many times can one die?
I'm surely setting some sort of a new record here... :-(
Die inside, of course. Not physically.
She's back wif him.
I'm ... I dun know. Am jus too drained physically, emotionally to feel. I'll feel again - and then it's really gonna hurt.
I rather have that - cuz now i jus feel dead...
The worst thing of all - as if it can get any worse? I cant hate her. I cant get angry at her. I want to but i cant.
I love her, for who she is and for who she'll be, for wat she has done and for wat - i'm discovering more and more - she has done and for wat she will do.
I love her and tt's really killing me...
How many times can one die?
I'm surely setting some sort of a new record here... :-(
Die inside, of course. Not physically.
She's back wif him.
I'm ... I dun know. Am jus too drained physically, emotionally to feel. I'll feel again - and then it's really gonna hurt.
I rather have that - cuz now i jus feel dead...
The worst thing of all - as if it can get any worse? I cant hate her. I cant get angry at her. I want to but i cant.
I love her, for who she is and for who she'll be, for wat she has done and for wat - i'm discovering more and more - she has done and for wat she will do.
I love her and tt's really killing me...
...I'm half alive but i feel mostly dead...
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Crazy
Dearest Wan,
She's driving me crazy!!!!!
Or it's jus me own making...
I dun know. I mean, why the silence? Why is she avoiding me?
Or is it jus me imagination?
I texted her, i tried to call her, i blogged a letter to her, i e-mailed her. No response...
So how? Maybe she wants to be left alone. Which is fine. And understandable. After all, i am one who needs me space - and would like to be left alone at times.
The problem is that i dun know if tt's the case! I dun know if she's alrite or not. I dun know if she would like me to call her up or not...
But if she wants to, then she would tell me, wouldn't she? Would she?
I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!
Man, this is so so difficult...
When i did talk wif her, she would keep on talking about him - how she misses him etc. If only she knows how much that kills me... But she doesn't know cuz i'm not telling her. She needs an outlet and i'll be there for her whenever she wants to talk about him.
And at teh same time, i can't talk bout my feelings!!! It'll only complicate things for her. And this is not a good time anyways...
She said there was nothing going on - but then why is she reacting like it's a break-up? Why is she using words like "going out wif him", "dating him" etc? Why did she say she wrote him a "Dear John" letter?????
And why do i care for her so much???? So much that it is driving me crazy not knowing if she is fine or not, not knowing wat i shud do - give her space or be there for her?
Oh, Wan, why did i fall for her so easily?
I'm such a fool... for love...
She's driving me crazy!!!!!
Or it's jus me own making...
I dun know. I mean, why the silence? Why is she avoiding me?
Or is it jus me imagination?
I texted her, i tried to call her, i blogged a letter to her, i e-mailed her. No response...
So how? Maybe she wants to be left alone. Which is fine. And understandable. After all, i am one who needs me space - and would like to be left alone at times.
The problem is that i dun know if tt's the case! I dun know if she's alrite or not. I dun know if she would like me to call her up or not...
But if she wants to, then she would tell me, wouldn't she? Would she?
I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!
Man, this is so so difficult...
When i did talk wif her, she would keep on talking about him - how she misses him etc. If only she knows how much that kills me... But she doesn't know cuz i'm not telling her. She needs an outlet and i'll be there for her whenever she wants to talk about him.
And at teh same time, i can't talk bout my feelings!!! It'll only complicate things for her. And this is not a good time anyways...
She said there was nothing going on - but then why is she reacting like it's a break-up? Why is she using words like "going out wif him", "dating him" etc? Why did she say she wrote him a "Dear John" letter?????
And why do i care for her so much???? So much that it is driving me crazy not knowing if she is fine or not, not knowing wat i shud do - give her space or be there for her?
Oh, Wan, why did i fall for her so easily?
I'm such a fool... for love...
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Make a wish
Dearest Wan,
Blessed birthday. Hope and pray u'll have a wonderful day and an equally brilliant year ahead.
I miss u - u know that, dun u?
Take care, God bless.
Blessed birthday. Hope and pray u'll have a wonderful day and an equally brilliant year ahead.
I miss u - u know that, dun u?
Take care, God bless.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Dear John
Dearest Wan,
There i was, seated by the Thames, near the London Eye. I was memorising me lines:-
"Hey there. What are you doing, being awake at this time? Nvm. Won't ask too personal questions. *chuckles* Anyways... you were asking me how i can be sure? Well, i just wanna tell ya that i am sure. And this i promise u - i'll be back - just for you - after me studies, before the year ends. I'll look for ya and hopefully then, you'll see that i am real, that my feelings for you are real, and that i'll be able to convince you to give "us" a try. If i am indeed "awesome" as u say that i am, i hope you'd give me this chance to prove meself. That's all i ask. Just wait for a few more months and i'll come and see u. If then, you decide not to give us a chance, then fine. But decide only then.
Anyways, u r an Arsenal fan so it wont be so bad if u dun give us a chance! LOL!"
OK - it something to that effect la!
I never got the chance to talk to her. And the moment was lost.
I found subsequently that it was a good thing i din get that chance. not at this point of time. i wanted to do that partly cuz i was afraid that she'd commit herself to that dude guy, thinking i won't be back.
but i chatted wif her on msn yesterday. guess wat? she wrote a "dear john" letter to that rich dude!
but she was obviously still having much feelings for him - and filled wif regret.
u know how difficult it was to chat wif her - and having to hear her sing the praises of the dude guy, and talking about how wonderful he is? man, it really killed me! but me cool, of course! good thing no webcam - or else she'd see me dying here... but on msn, me like cucumber!
but at least now i know i din have a direct influence on her dear john letter. and i guess she wouldnt want to think about another guy at this moment.
i tried to stay as neutral and unbiased as possible.
so now how? even tho she alleges that they were not in a relationship, it is for all intents and purposes, a break-up of sorts. i've gotta cool it, too. dun wan to be seen to take advantage of the situation. and who knows, she could be on the rebound!
sigh... so complicated.
i guess this is all for the best. Time for everyone to cool it and take it slowly.
Take care. God bless.
There i was, seated by the Thames, near the London Eye. I was memorising me lines:-
"Hey there. What are you doing, being awake at this time? Nvm. Won't ask too personal questions. *chuckles* Anyways... you were asking me how i can be sure? Well, i just wanna tell ya that i am sure. And this i promise u - i'll be back - just for you - after me studies, before the year ends. I'll look for ya and hopefully then, you'll see that i am real, that my feelings for you are real, and that i'll be able to convince you to give "us" a try. If i am indeed "awesome" as u say that i am, i hope you'd give me this chance to prove meself. That's all i ask. Just wait for a few more months and i'll come and see u. If then, you decide not to give us a chance, then fine. But decide only then.
Anyways, u r an Arsenal fan so it wont be so bad if u dun give us a chance! LOL!"
OK - it something to that effect la!
I never got the chance to talk to her. And the moment was lost.
I found subsequently that it was a good thing i din get that chance. not at this point of time. i wanted to do that partly cuz i was afraid that she'd commit herself to that dude guy, thinking i won't be back.
but i chatted wif her on msn yesterday. guess wat? she wrote a "dear john" letter to that rich dude!
but she was obviously still having much feelings for him - and filled wif regret.
u know how difficult it was to chat wif her - and having to hear her sing the praises of the dude guy, and talking about how wonderful he is? man, it really killed me! but me cool, of course! good thing no webcam - or else she'd see me dying here... but on msn, me like cucumber!
but at least now i know i din have a direct influence on her dear john letter. and i guess she wouldnt want to think about another guy at this moment.
i tried to stay as neutral and unbiased as possible.
so now how? even tho she alleges that they were not in a relationship, it is for all intents and purposes, a break-up of sorts. i've gotta cool it, too. dun wan to be seen to take advantage of the situation. and who knows, she could be on the rebound!
sigh... so complicated.
i guess this is all for the best. Time for everyone to cool it and take it slowly.
Take care. God bless.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Can't eat
Dearest Wan,
I've never expereinced it before. Not as far as i can remember. I jus lost me appetite jus like that!!!!
I came from service this morning in pretty high spirits. The worship was good, the speaker was challenging (former missionary to India), God's message was powerful. On top of all that, it was the first time in so long that i attended the morning service. The weather this morn was beautiful - not too hot. We stayed on a while chatting away. OK. It was footie. Only footie. But it felt so like back home - after the service, the guys would sit around together and talk. I made some new frens too - this guy from Holland, and another guy from Nigeria.
By the time i got back, i was feeling pretty hungry - woke up late so skipped breakfast (was early for the service, tho!). For the first time too, i decided to have rice for lunch! Yup, i was pretty famished.
Got the it all ready and took it into me room to eat. Had a few spoonfuls until i came across her letter! Nice! :-)
Then it happened. I jus lost all appetite. Sigh...
She talked a lot about him. Nah, it wasn't jealousy. It was just the further confirmation (as if i needed more) of where i stand - and where he stands in her life. She not only came back early to surprise him, she cooked dinner for him. All his fav stuffs, too! :-) (That is supposed to be an ironic smile!).
Oh well...
i really shudden feel this way - but i can't help it. The other day, i thought i was the one that she would choose. Now, it seems further and further away from reality.
I guess deep down inside, she is still hoping that he will change - and be who she wants him to be.
Yes, as i told u before, the worst thing is that i fully emphatise wif wat she is going thru. Been there, done that.
You know wat? I'm scared. I really am. it's wrong, i know. But i cant help it. I know how it feels to see someone whom i love love someone else. I dun wanna go thru that again.
But i feel bad if he has to go thru that too - altho looking at how things stand, it's prolly me who will have to be the one.
Sometimes, i wonder why she posted that post up - when she was going out wif someone.
But then, how can i blame her? She wasn't asking for offers! She was just being honest and letting out her frustration. There's nothing wrong wif that. How would she know that some crazy dude 10 thousand kms away would read it and fall in love wif her? Who would have guessed???? Even movies wif storylines like that would prolly be thrown out - no one would believe it.
You know wat? I'm feeling hungry again... ;-P
Later!
Take care. God bless.
I've never expereinced it before. Not as far as i can remember. I jus lost me appetite jus like that!!!!
I came from service this morning in pretty high spirits. The worship was good, the speaker was challenging (former missionary to India), God's message was powerful. On top of all that, it was the first time in so long that i attended the morning service. The weather this morn was beautiful - not too hot. We stayed on a while chatting away. OK. It was footie. Only footie. But it felt so like back home - after the service, the guys would sit around together and talk. I made some new frens too - this guy from Holland, and another guy from Nigeria.
By the time i got back, i was feeling pretty hungry - woke up late so skipped breakfast (was early for the service, tho!). For the first time too, i decided to have rice for lunch! Yup, i was pretty famished.
Got the it all ready and took it into me room to eat. Had a few spoonfuls until i came across her letter! Nice! :-)
Then it happened. I jus lost all appetite. Sigh...
She talked a lot about him. Nah, it wasn't jealousy. It was just the further confirmation (as if i needed more) of where i stand - and where he stands in her life. She not only came back early to surprise him, she cooked dinner for him. All his fav stuffs, too! :-) (That is supposed to be an ironic smile!).
Oh well...
i really shudden feel this way - but i can't help it. The other day, i thought i was the one that she would choose. Now, it seems further and further away from reality.
I guess deep down inside, she is still hoping that he will change - and be who she wants him to be.
Yes, as i told u before, the worst thing is that i fully emphatise wif wat she is going thru. Been there, done that.
You know wat? I'm scared. I really am. it's wrong, i know. But i cant help it. I know how it feels to see someone whom i love love someone else. I dun wanna go thru that again.
But i feel bad if he has to go thru that too - altho looking at how things stand, it's prolly me who will have to be the one.
Sometimes, i wonder why she posted that post up - when she was going out wif someone.
But then, how can i blame her? She wasn't asking for offers! She was just being honest and letting out her frustration. There's nothing wrong wif that. How would she know that some crazy dude 10 thousand kms away would read it and fall in love wif her? Who would have guessed???? Even movies wif storylines like that would prolly be thrown out - no one would believe it.
You know wat? I'm feeling hungry again... ;-P
Later!
Take care. God bless.
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