Letters to the Wan and only!
Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone...Sunday, January 08, 2006
Moving on...
Dearest Wan,
"Moving on is ... all about saying Yes we had our good times, she helped make me what I am, but we weren't right and these were the reasons. It was good but it's over now, I don't feel a sense of loss anymore. Let's see who else is out there..."
Yeah, more excerpts from that fren's mail. OK - I promise this'll b the 3rd and the last.
I told you that i met someone, din i? Well, the irony of the whole thing was that i was all the time trying to set her up wif another mate of mine. A few of us thought that they'd make a good pair!!!!
It's funny how things turn out.
I just got a mail from one of my co-conspirators who informed me that she finally got her hubby to agree to help us in our mission! She oso reported that things seem to have been set in motion oredi.
No surprises that i wasnt jumping wif joy at the news! As Hugh Grant said in "Love, Actually", "Oh no. This is so inconvenient". Am i gonna end up like "Mark" in Love, Actually??
I've been trying to search me feelings in the past couple of days. Trying to make sense of them. Do i really miss her that much? If i do, why?
i mean, i've known her for a while now. A very nice fren. Last month, when i was going to meet her quite often, me flatmates were asking me about her. They were asking whether is she someone special? I said wif all certainty - Nope! And they asked if there was a possibility that she could be someone special, i replied again in the same confidence, "Nope"!
No way! Uh-uh. Nope. No-siree. Tidak mungkin! Ng Wooi!
What happened?
Good question...
I tried to rationalise - it's natural i guess but not real. i mean here i am, away from home and frens during winter. there she was, in a foreign country for mission work. 2 pretty emotionally vulnerable people, weren't we? Throw us together for a few days in brillaint London, lovely Bath and breath-taking Scotland... and something will happen.
Then, separate us completely just when we were getting closer.
A recipe for disaster, for sure.
I'll get over this feeling. She'll get back into her normal routine of life back home. Soon, it'll all be just like the Scottish highlands mist - it was nice when it was there but it's gone now.
Its kinda like the "spiritual high" one gets when one goes up to Cameron Highlands for a church camp...
hey... do u ever think of me? i'm sure the moments we had back then would surely seem like a different lifetime now - foreign, in fact, compared to yr life now. but do u ever think of the wonderful times we shared together?
Or was it all like the mist, gone and forgotten?
Sometimes, i wish i could go and murder all those people who come out wif stupid cliches - which stupid-er people like me believe in. But then again, they are all prolly dead by now.
The worst is "If you love someone, let them go...". Crap!
The other is "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
Nonsense. The more i think of it, i'm quite convinced that i would be better off not loving you at all. ignorance is bliss, isn't it (or is it another stupid cliche???). at least i wont be thinking of u after all these years, wont be carrying the regret wif me, wont be worried if the girl i'm wif will ever live up to your standard.
Still, if given a chance to do it all over again, i wont change a thing. oh, of course, i would have not let u go so easily. What we had in those few months was more than wat majority of the people the world will ever experience in a lifetime - that i'm sure.
And i wont give those memories up.
I mentioned above about "Mark" from Love, Actually. I'll end off by quoting him (when he used the cue cards in one of the many brilliants scenes of the movie):-
"Moving on is ... all about saying Yes we had our good times, she helped make me what I am, but we weren't right and these were the reasons. It was good but it's over now, I don't feel a sense of loss anymore. Let's see who else is out there..."
Yeah, more excerpts from that fren's mail. OK - I promise this'll b the 3rd and the last.
I told you that i met someone, din i? Well, the irony of the whole thing was that i was all the time trying to set her up wif another mate of mine. A few of us thought that they'd make a good pair!!!!
It's funny how things turn out.
I just got a mail from one of my co-conspirators who informed me that she finally got her hubby to agree to help us in our mission! She oso reported that things seem to have been set in motion oredi.
No surprises that i wasnt jumping wif joy at the news! As Hugh Grant said in "Love, Actually", "Oh no. This is so inconvenient". Am i gonna end up like "Mark" in Love, Actually??
I've been trying to search me feelings in the past couple of days. Trying to make sense of them. Do i really miss her that much? If i do, why?
i mean, i've known her for a while now. A very nice fren. Last month, when i was going to meet her quite often, me flatmates were asking me about her. They were asking whether is she someone special? I said wif all certainty - Nope! And they asked if there was a possibility that she could be someone special, i replied again in the same confidence, "Nope"!
No way! Uh-uh. Nope. No-siree. Tidak mungkin! Ng Wooi!
What happened?
Good question...
I tried to rationalise - it's natural i guess but not real. i mean here i am, away from home and frens during winter. there she was, in a foreign country for mission work. 2 pretty emotionally vulnerable people, weren't we? Throw us together for a few days in brillaint London, lovely Bath and breath-taking Scotland... and something will happen.
Then, separate us completely just when we were getting closer.
A recipe for disaster, for sure.
I'll get over this feeling. She'll get back into her normal routine of life back home. Soon, it'll all be just like the Scottish highlands mist - it was nice when it was there but it's gone now.
Its kinda like the "spiritual high" one gets when one goes up to Cameron Highlands for a church camp...
hey... do u ever think of me? i'm sure the moments we had back then would surely seem like a different lifetime now - foreign, in fact, compared to yr life now. but do u ever think of the wonderful times we shared together?
Or was it all like the mist, gone and forgotten?
Sometimes, i wish i could go and murder all those people who come out wif stupid cliches - which stupid-er people like me believe in. But then again, they are all prolly dead by now.
The worst is "If you love someone, let them go...". Crap!
The other is "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
Nonsense. The more i think of it, i'm quite convinced that i would be better off not loving you at all. ignorance is bliss, isn't it (or is it another stupid cliche???). at least i wont be thinking of u after all these years, wont be carrying the regret wif me, wont be worried if the girl i'm wif will ever live up to your standard.
Still, if given a chance to do it all over again, i wont change a thing. oh, of course, i would have not let u go so easily. What we had in those few months was more than wat majority of the people the world will ever experience in a lifetime - that i'm sure.
And i wont give those memories up.
I mentioned above about "Mark" from Love, Actually. I'll end off by quoting him (when he used the cue cards in one of the many brilliants scenes of the movie):-
But for now, let me say
Without hope or agenda
Just because it's Christmas
And at Christmas you tell the truth
To me, you are perfect
And my wasted heart will love you
Until you look like this
(A picture of a mummy)
(Belated) Merry Christmas!
Without hope or agenda
Just because it's Christmas
And at Christmas you tell the truth
To me, you are perfect
And my wasted heart will love you
Until you look like this
(A picture of a mummy)
(Belated) Merry Christmas!
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Let me let go
Dearest Wan,
Here is another excerpt from the mail me mate sent to me (yeah, the same one - mail and mate - that i refered to in previous post):-
To be honest with you, I think you need to deal with that and get over her. Have you ever wondered why your previous relationships didn't work? I'm not saying I know...I hardly know about your past at all....but that may be one of the factors, that you never found anyone as special to you as her?
You really, really do need to deal with this....cos although that hasn't stopped you from going into new relationships or whatever, keeping such a strong emotional connection to someone (you will never have / probably forgotten all about everything that happened) will set you up for heartbreak.
Good stuffs-eh? There's more but if i put it all down here, this blog shud be renamed "Letters to me" instead.
But it's not. It's to you.
When i read that above-reproduced portion the first time, i smiled. i thot to meself - that would be a convenient excuse to cover wat a loser i am in me relationships. Yeah, blame it all allegedly on that i can't get over you!
And again, the more i thot about it, the more it sounds closer to the truth (or am i just trying to convince meself that it's the truth?).
I've tried to move on, Wan. I did. And i told meself each time that i must never compare her (whoever i am wif) wif you.
Looking back, tho, i may not have been very successful at that.
Save for the last one (yeah, the crazy suicidal woman), i've remained really good frens wif all the girls i've been wif. They are all truly wonderful people. One of them even called me up (long-distance) on Christmas morning to wish me a happy birthday. So sweet of her. i was a fool to have let go of her - and the other one too. (Yeah, contrary to popular belief, i've only been wif 3 others since you).
So why did i let go of them?
I can't think of any satisfactory answer. Which led me to the conclusion that perhaps, maybe, subconciously, i thought that they never matched up to you...
Why did you have to be so d*** perfect????????????
Being wif you was the only time in my life when it felt so right! No, it's not that i was blind to all your faults.
Me mate in her mail went on to say:-
You guys went out a long, long time ago and she's probably a VERY different person now.
Unfortunately, in the limited contact i have had wif you in the past few years, no matter how much i know you have changed, it doesn't change anything.
I met someone else.
She's wonderful, funny and so committed to the Lord. We clicked pretty well together.
Anyways, it's still early days - heck, it's still the early days of the early days.
But even then, i could hear the soft whispering at the back of my mind - "She's not as good as Wan. She'll never be as good!"
Will i ever be able to let go of you? Or will i just come to a point of time in me life when i'll just settle for anyone, knowing that she'll never be as good but knowing oso that i dun have a choice? You know me - i'll never do that. It would be so unfair to the poor girl too.
Remember that song from Evita which we used to loved? Remember that recurring question? I used to ask you the same question a lot of times. I ask it again now. Somehow, the answer is always the same.
So what happens now?
Don't ask anymore...
Here is another excerpt from the mail me mate sent to me (yeah, the same one - mail and mate - that i refered to in previous post):-
To be honest with you, I think you need to deal with that and get over her. Have you ever wondered why your previous relationships didn't work? I'm not saying I know...I hardly know about your past at all....but that may be one of the factors, that you never found anyone as special to you as her?
You really, really do need to deal with this....cos although that hasn't stopped you from going into new relationships or whatever, keeping such a strong emotional connection to someone (you will never have / probably forgotten all about everything that happened) will set you up for heartbreak.
Good stuffs-eh? There's more but if i put it all down here, this blog shud be renamed "Letters to me" instead.
But it's not. It's to you.
When i read that above-reproduced portion the first time, i smiled. i thot to meself - that would be a convenient excuse to cover wat a loser i am in me relationships. Yeah, blame it all allegedly on that i can't get over you!
And again, the more i thot about it, the more it sounds closer to the truth (or am i just trying to convince meself that it's the truth?).
I've tried to move on, Wan. I did. And i told meself each time that i must never compare her (whoever i am wif) wif you.
Looking back, tho, i may not have been very successful at that.
Save for the last one (yeah, the crazy suicidal woman), i've remained really good frens wif all the girls i've been wif. They are all truly wonderful people. One of them even called me up (long-distance) on Christmas morning to wish me a happy birthday. So sweet of her. i was a fool to have let go of her - and the other one too. (Yeah, contrary to popular belief, i've only been wif 3 others since you).
So why did i let go of them?
I can't think of any satisfactory answer. Which led me to the conclusion that perhaps, maybe, subconciously, i thought that they never matched up to you...
Why did you have to be so d*** perfect????????????
Being wif you was the only time in my life when it felt so right! No, it's not that i was blind to all your faults.
Me mate in her mail went on to say:-
You guys went out a long, long time ago and she's probably a VERY different person now.
Unfortunately, in the limited contact i have had wif you in the past few years, no matter how much i know you have changed, it doesn't change anything.
I met someone else.
She's wonderful, funny and so committed to the Lord. We clicked pretty well together.
Anyways, it's still early days - heck, it's still the early days of the early days.
But even then, i could hear the soft whispering at the back of my mind - "She's not as good as Wan. She'll never be as good!"
Will i ever be able to let go of you? Or will i just come to a point of time in me life when i'll just settle for anyone, knowing that she'll never be as good but knowing oso that i dun have a choice? You know me - i'll never do that. It would be so unfair to the poor girl too.
Remember that song from Evita which we used to loved? Remember that recurring question? I used to ask you the same question a lot of times. I ask it again now. Somehow, the answer is always the same.
So what happens now?
Don't ask anymore...
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Regret
Dearest Wan,
The other day, a fren wrote to me - about u. She said:-
"I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't think you've really gotten over this girl. Reason is, you still miss her so much. You think about her, you think of talking about your friends to her, you think about what happened in the past. To be honest with you, I think you need to deal with that and get over her."
I laughed when I read that. of course I've gotten over you. What a ridiculous proposition! Me not getting over you?? What a joke...
The human mind has ways to deal wif painful truths. One of the ways is to pretend that it doesn't exist.
I can't anymore.
A number of things happenned during my holidays.
The first was something very simple - something which happens a lot. i was browsing in one of the many souvenir shops and as usual, i thought that something would be just right for you!
If not for me mate's statement, i would've not given it any further thought. That always happens.
But if i had really gotten over you, why do i still think of you, think of wat to buy you, think of how much you would love this or that. Or how this or that is so suitable for you...
Then I watched a movie - The Family Guy. "Fate" has it that despite wanting to watch it when it came out so many years ago, despite having the VCD in my house all these years, despite having it on my "must-watch" list, i never got to watch it - until the 30th of December 2005.
It was how this guy was given a glimpse of how his life would have been had he not left his childhood sweetheart and married her instead. He would not be the high flying rich important guy, he would not be living in New York, he would not be driving his sports car. He would be a tire salesman who drives a boring minivan, lives in the suburbs wif his wife who does charity work and 2 wonderful kids.
Yet, the latter seemed so much better.
He was brought back to the real world but he decided that he would not make the same mistake twice. He gave up his all and searched for his childhood sweetheart - who has gotten over him and is moving to Paris. She tells him that she has moved on and so should he.
Then in the final scene, he rushes to the airport and pleads to be given another chance. He tells her of his "vision" of how they could have been - and just ask that she have a cup of coffee wif him. She agreed.
I've never regretted anything I did wif you. I thought I was the true gentleman. I believed - stupidly - that if you love someone, you must be able to let them go. I was dumb enuf to think that the best way i could show you how much i loved you was to let you go. I actually thought that if i dun get on wif my life, you will not be happy. And all i wanted was for you to be happy. I din regret letting go.
I dun feel the same anymore.
How stupid i was... I had you and i let you go. I could imagine how you could have felt - "He's letting go like that? I thought he said he loved me!"
I regret now. I really do.
I look at my life now - I could be the envy of many. I had the chance to see the world, i traveled to many places, i was a partner of a law firm, i handled big cases and appeared in the highest courts of the land. Now, I am here in the UK and after I get me Masters, I would prolly be involved in International Human Rights organisations, perhaps litigating cases in the European Court of Justice representing individuals making claims against teh governments of big countries.
Then i thought of me elder brother. Never had the chance to enter University, has been an accounts person (how boring) all his life, now works in a boring real estate agency, drives an ancient car, lives in the suburbs wif his wife and 2 young kids.
And i envy him so much. He has no idea how i wish i had a life like his.
And then, the vision came to me - we could have had a house in the suburbs. We could have 2 wonderful kids and i drive a boring malaysian car. i'm a small time lawyer but tt's fine cuz i have time to go home, watch Discovery Travel on Astro and play wif me kids. In the weekends, we go to church together and serve in some small committee. It may sound boring but we do have each other. And that is the only thing that matters at the end, isn't it? Isn't it?
But it's too late. This is not the movies. I dun have a second chance.
It's ironic. I should have never let you go in the first place. But now, when I should let go of you, I can't...
The other day, a fren wrote to me - about u. She said:-
"I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't think you've really gotten over this girl. Reason is, you still miss her so much. You think about her, you think of talking about your friends to her, you think about what happened in the past. To be honest with you, I think you need to deal with that and get over her."
I laughed when I read that. of course I've gotten over you. What a ridiculous proposition! Me not getting over you?? What a joke...
The human mind has ways to deal wif painful truths. One of the ways is to pretend that it doesn't exist.
I can't anymore.
A number of things happenned during my holidays.
The first was something very simple - something which happens a lot. i was browsing in one of the many souvenir shops and as usual, i thought that something would be just right for you!
If not for me mate's statement, i would've not given it any further thought. That always happens.
But if i had really gotten over you, why do i still think of you, think of wat to buy you, think of how much you would love this or that. Or how this or that is so suitable for you...
Then I watched a movie - The Family Guy. "Fate" has it that despite wanting to watch it when it came out so many years ago, despite having the VCD in my house all these years, despite having it on my "must-watch" list, i never got to watch it - until the 30th of December 2005.
It was how this guy was given a glimpse of how his life would have been had he not left his childhood sweetheart and married her instead. He would not be the high flying rich important guy, he would not be living in New York, he would not be driving his sports car. He would be a tire salesman who drives a boring minivan, lives in the suburbs wif his wife who does charity work and 2 wonderful kids.
Yet, the latter seemed so much better.
He was brought back to the real world but he decided that he would not make the same mistake twice. He gave up his all and searched for his childhood sweetheart - who has gotten over him and is moving to Paris. She tells him that she has moved on and so should he.
Then in the final scene, he rushes to the airport and pleads to be given another chance. He tells her of his "vision" of how they could have been - and just ask that she have a cup of coffee wif him. She agreed.
I've never regretted anything I did wif you. I thought I was the true gentleman. I believed - stupidly - that if you love someone, you must be able to let them go. I was dumb enuf to think that the best way i could show you how much i loved you was to let you go. I actually thought that if i dun get on wif my life, you will not be happy. And all i wanted was for you to be happy. I din regret letting go.
I dun feel the same anymore.
How stupid i was... I had you and i let you go. I could imagine how you could have felt - "He's letting go like that? I thought he said he loved me!"
I regret now. I really do.
I look at my life now - I could be the envy of many. I had the chance to see the world, i traveled to many places, i was a partner of a law firm, i handled big cases and appeared in the highest courts of the land. Now, I am here in the UK and after I get me Masters, I would prolly be involved in International Human Rights organisations, perhaps litigating cases in the European Court of Justice representing individuals making claims against teh governments of big countries.
Then i thought of me elder brother. Never had the chance to enter University, has been an accounts person (how boring) all his life, now works in a boring real estate agency, drives an ancient car, lives in the suburbs wif his wife and 2 young kids.
And i envy him so much. He has no idea how i wish i had a life like his.
And then, the vision came to me - we could have had a house in the suburbs. We could have 2 wonderful kids and i drive a boring malaysian car. i'm a small time lawyer but tt's fine cuz i have time to go home, watch Discovery Travel on Astro and play wif me kids. In the weekends, we go to church together and serve in some small committee. It may sound boring but we do have each other. And that is the only thing that matters at the end, isn't it? Isn't it?
But it's too late. This is not the movies. I dun have a second chance.
It's ironic. I should have never let you go in the first place. But now, when I should let go of you, I can't...
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