Letters to the Wan and only!
Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone...Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Regret
Dearest Wan,
The other day, a fren wrote to me - about u. She said:-
"I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't think you've really gotten over this girl. Reason is, you still miss her so much. You think about her, you think of talking about your friends to her, you think about what happened in the past. To be honest with you, I think you need to deal with that and get over her."
I laughed when I read that. of course I've gotten over you. What a ridiculous proposition! Me not getting over you?? What a joke...
The human mind has ways to deal wif painful truths. One of the ways is to pretend that it doesn't exist.
I can't anymore.
A number of things happenned during my holidays.
The first was something very simple - something which happens a lot. i was browsing in one of the many souvenir shops and as usual, i thought that something would be just right for you!
If not for me mate's statement, i would've not given it any further thought. That always happens.
But if i had really gotten over you, why do i still think of you, think of wat to buy you, think of how much you would love this or that. Or how this or that is so suitable for you...
Then I watched a movie - The Family Guy. "Fate" has it that despite wanting to watch it when it came out so many years ago, despite having the VCD in my house all these years, despite having it on my "must-watch" list, i never got to watch it - until the 30th of December 2005.
It was how this guy was given a glimpse of how his life would have been had he not left his childhood sweetheart and married her instead. He would not be the high flying rich important guy, he would not be living in New York, he would not be driving his sports car. He would be a tire salesman who drives a boring minivan, lives in the suburbs wif his wife who does charity work and 2 wonderful kids.
Yet, the latter seemed so much better.
He was brought back to the real world but he decided that he would not make the same mistake twice. He gave up his all and searched for his childhood sweetheart - who has gotten over him and is moving to Paris. She tells him that she has moved on and so should he.
Then in the final scene, he rushes to the airport and pleads to be given another chance. He tells her of his "vision" of how they could have been - and just ask that she have a cup of coffee wif him. She agreed.
I've never regretted anything I did wif you. I thought I was the true gentleman. I believed - stupidly - that if you love someone, you must be able to let them go. I was dumb enuf to think that the best way i could show you how much i loved you was to let you go. I actually thought that if i dun get on wif my life, you will not be happy. And all i wanted was for you to be happy. I din regret letting go.
I dun feel the same anymore.
How stupid i was... I had you and i let you go. I could imagine how you could have felt - "He's letting go like that? I thought he said he loved me!"
I regret now. I really do.
I look at my life now - I could be the envy of many. I had the chance to see the world, i traveled to many places, i was a partner of a law firm, i handled big cases and appeared in the highest courts of the land. Now, I am here in the UK and after I get me Masters, I would prolly be involved in International Human Rights organisations, perhaps litigating cases in the European Court of Justice representing individuals making claims against teh governments of big countries.
Then i thought of me elder brother. Never had the chance to enter University, has been an accounts person (how boring) all his life, now works in a boring real estate agency, drives an ancient car, lives in the suburbs wif his wife and 2 young kids.
And i envy him so much. He has no idea how i wish i had a life like his.
And then, the vision came to me - we could have had a house in the suburbs. We could have 2 wonderful kids and i drive a boring malaysian car. i'm a small time lawyer but tt's fine cuz i have time to go home, watch Discovery Travel on Astro and play wif me kids. In the weekends, we go to church together and serve in some small committee. It may sound boring but we do have each other. And that is the only thing that matters at the end, isn't it? Isn't it?
But it's too late. This is not the movies. I dun have a second chance.
It's ironic. I should have never let you go in the first place. But now, when I should let go of you, I can't...
The other day, a fren wrote to me - about u. She said:-
"I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't think you've really gotten over this girl. Reason is, you still miss her so much. You think about her, you think of talking about your friends to her, you think about what happened in the past. To be honest with you, I think you need to deal with that and get over her."
I laughed when I read that. of course I've gotten over you. What a ridiculous proposition! Me not getting over you?? What a joke...
The human mind has ways to deal wif painful truths. One of the ways is to pretend that it doesn't exist.
I can't anymore.
A number of things happenned during my holidays.
The first was something very simple - something which happens a lot. i was browsing in one of the many souvenir shops and as usual, i thought that something would be just right for you!
If not for me mate's statement, i would've not given it any further thought. That always happens.
But if i had really gotten over you, why do i still think of you, think of wat to buy you, think of how much you would love this or that. Or how this or that is so suitable for you...
Then I watched a movie - The Family Guy. "Fate" has it that despite wanting to watch it when it came out so many years ago, despite having the VCD in my house all these years, despite having it on my "must-watch" list, i never got to watch it - until the 30th of December 2005.
It was how this guy was given a glimpse of how his life would have been had he not left his childhood sweetheart and married her instead. He would not be the high flying rich important guy, he would not be living in New York, he would not be driving his sports car. He would be a tire salesman who drives a boring minivan, lives in the suburbs wif his wife who does charity work and 2 wonderful kids.
Yet, the latter seemed so much better.
He was brought back to the real world but he decided that he would not make the same mistake twice. He gave up his all and searched for his childhood sweetheart - who has gotten over him and is moving to Paris. She tells him that she has moved on and so should he.
Then in the final scene, he rushes to the airport and pleads to be given another chance. He tells her of his "vision" of how they could have been - and just ask that she have a cup of coffee wif him. She agreed.
I've never regretted anything I did wif you. I thought I was the true gentleman. I believed - stupidly - that if you love someone, you must be able to let them go. I was dumb enuf to think that the best way i could show you how much i loved you was to let you go. I actually thought that if i dun get on wif my life, you will not be happy. And all i wanted was for you to be happy. I din regret letting go.
I dun feel the same anymore.
How stupid i was... I had you and i let you go. I could imagine how you could have felt - "He's letting go like that? I thought he said he loved me!"
I regret now. I really do.
I look at my life now - I could be the envy of many. I had the chance to see the world, i traveled to many places, i was a partner of a law firm, i handled big cases and appeared in the highest courts of the land. Now, I am here in the UK and after I get me Masters, I would prolly be involved in International Human Rights organisations, perhaps litigating cases in the European Court of Justice representing individuals making claims against teh governments of big countries.
Then i thought of me elder brother. Never had the chance to enter University, has been an accounts person (how boring) all his life, now works in a boring real estate agency, drives an ancient car, lives in the suburbs wif his wife and 2 young kids.
And i envy him so much. He has no idea how i wish i had a life like his.
And then, the vision came to me - we could have had a house in the suburbs. We could have 2 wonderful kids and i drive a boring malaysian car. i'm a small time lawyer but tt's fine cuz i have time to go home, watch Discovery Travel on Astro and play wif me kids. In the weekends, we go to church together and serve in some small committee. It may sound boring but we do have each other. And that is the only thing that matters at the end, isn't it? Isn't it?
But it's too late. This is not the movies. I dun have a second chance.
It's ironic. I should have never let you go in the first place. But now, when I should let go of you, I can't...
posted by imissw # 6:38 pm 
Archives
August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 October 2006
